Phase 5

You've put me back in that place I came from. You've reminded me how it feels to cry and question my own sanity. With your words you crumbled my impression of you and my belief in myself. I'm comfortable there; comfortable feeling like I've done something wrong. I'm familiar with the feeling of wrongdoing, simply for standing up for myself when someone treats me like crap. It's always been my fault before, why should that change? Instead of taking ownership for your actions and how they cause others to feel, it's easier to deflect your anger onto me... making me the enemy. I become the psychotic crazy female who thinks she knows everything and who can never be wrong. Am I really lucky enough to just keep welcoming this kind of person into my life or am I really the problem like they've made me believe? I've tried to convince myself that I'm not that person he told me I was... that I am more than just a 'fat, salt-and-peppered face lazy bitch that no one likes'. I had almost began to believe that I was. I know I'm blunt and to the point; I speak my mind. I'm also a human, with emotions and feelings. Why should it be ok for you to say and do whatever you want, with no regard for others, but when I call you out on it, I'm the one at fault? Maybe I am the monster he said I was... a monster he created.

Escape Route

I've made so many memories in this town. There are so many moments I wish I could forget, bottled inside the invisible lines that divide this town from the rest of the world. Even moments that took place outside of this county began and ended in this town. I cant turn a corner without seeing a shadow left behind by a moment that once existed. I want to be free of memories, free of things and places that trigger an explosion of smoke in my already foggy brain. I cant breathe in this town; its as if my former life has consumed all of the oxygen that was intended for me to survive on. I'm choking, suffocating. I want to be in a place where my brain cant connect the dots of what once was... a place filled with newness. I want new sights, new experiences, new people, new air. I want to be excited to explore instead of living in a constant state of anxiety and panic. Where do I go? How far away from a flame is far enough to feel the warmth without being burned? The people that matter to me are here, buried somewhere beneath the ashes left by those who don't. How far can I run, without ending up cold and alone, with nothing familiar? How far can I run?