Amazed

I read my messages from the past; the letters I wrote to myself... the notes I made for no one. I read about the darkness, the pain, the hurt. I read it and I'm amazed. There were days I didn't think I'd make it, nights I didn't want to wake up the next day. I remember feeling like I'd never escape the hole I had dug for myself and no amount of self pity, tears or alcohol helped. I had come to terms with the fact that 'damaged' was my new identity. I used my circumstances to justify my poor decisions and my changes in personality. I allowed myself to be defined by what happened to me and I was ok with that because I felt like I at least existed in some form; albeit broken.

I read those words that I know I wrote and I am amazed. How is it possible that I could feel so content at this moment when I never thought I'd even survive? Is this what happiness feels like? How long has it been since I've felt happiness? Have I ever? Has there ever been a time in my life when I didn't feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and the burden of others in my hands? I cant remember.

I didn't get lucky... I prayed for this moment. A lot. I finally feel deserving. I've worked hard to create a place for myself in the professional world. I've done the best that I can to make a home for myself. I've tried to be the supportive friend and the loving daughter to the best of my ability. I deserve to be happy for a change. I deserve to feel like others care about me instead of always feeling like the one to care for a change.

I've earned happiness. I've earned success. I've earned love. I never thought I would believe those statements in reference to myself; never thought I'd be able to accept happiness. I read these words and I'm amazed.

Drifting

We are both looking for someone but not for each other; both alone in a cruel world, drifting. Why do I feel guilty for the feelings I can't express? Why do I feel responsible for the emotions I can't feel? Like you, I am a person who just wants to be loved. I want to feel lovable. Am I? Maybe we don't all have a purpose, a reason. Maybe things don't always work out and we end up just floating around in a place we don't belong. For some, we are a face with no name. Others are a name with no soul. We exist but we don't live. We appear but we don't thrive. Maybe the path of life and the obtainable goals aren't consistent with everyone. Some are capable; some are failures.