Doesn't Matter Now

A year ago the spare key to my car went missing. You were the last one in possession of it as you took it with you when you left. You searched your car and all your belongings, looking for it, and never found it. A few months ago, we traded cars for the day and I looked in the glove box to see if the key was there.. because it seemed like the most obvious place. It was, in plain sight. I didn't mention it to you... I figured there was a reason you didn't want me to know that you knew where it was. I knew at some point it would come up again and I would 'suggest' that you look in the glove box, just like I always do when I know where something is that you are looking for but don't want to admit it.

Last week, before we went to the baseball game, I took the key out of your car. At this point, we weren't speaking and you were making plans to move out, so I didn't feel the need to tell you I took MY key out of your car. I did make mention that I had it because I said I could just use my spare if I needed to get back into the car while you were in the stadium. I guess you didn't hear that.

Yesterday, you asked for permission to go back to the house during lunch to get more of your belongings. I had the spare key hanging by the door so you saw it as soon as you entered. This led to several text messages about where the key came from, where I found it, why I didn't mention it. I explained that I found it months ago but assumed you also knew where it was so I didn't mention it.

"I looked in the glove box a bunch and I would think you would say something the second you found it. You usually say when you think I'm lying."

I was able to describe that the key was on the left side of the glove box, under the 'church' book. I said I didn't want to cause issues so I didn't bring it up.

"You thought I was lying, I don't believe you. Doesn't matter now. Just relieved they were found." 

This morning I remembered another detail that might would help you believe me when I say I just took the key out of your car last week. There was a receipt for a $25 gift card, purchased at Publix on March 3rd.  I have no clue what that was purchased for or why you would've kept the receipt but I figured if you wanted me to know, you would've told me. (when I think of the possibilities, it scares me) I remembered the key was sitting under it in the glove box. I texted this to you.. and got no reply. No acknowledgement. Guess you were right when you said "Doesn't matter now."

I wish you could remember that

Why do I still care?...

I feel like we should still be working as a team. I feel like we should be working together towards the mutual goal of making this work, not trying to prove it doesn't... not one person working and one person sitting in the dark, waiting and hoping. I think you should be allowed to have space and time but I think we should be on the same page. We should be trying everything until there's nothing left to try .. and THEN give up, knowing we have done everything possible. That's why I care and that's why I'm sad. We should be trying to do this together.

We aren't just boyfriend and girlfriend. We committed our lives together years ago when we made long term plans and purchases. Its not as easy as just walking away when it gets hard and we both know that. A player cant just quit the team and pack up their locker every time he doesn't agree with a decision the coach has made. Neither of us deserve to be miserable for the sake of convenience, please don't misunderstand the point I'm making. But, we both owe it to each other to follow through with our commitments and give it our best shot whether that means taking space, going to counseling or eventually cutting ties completely. We are way too invested in each other and have proven that we have the ability to make each other happy (if you cant remember those times, read my old blog links.. we were so happy.. I wish you could remember that). Our issues aren't all about "us"... we both have our own. Those individual issues cause the "us" issues.. and will continue to cause "us" issues with anyone else in the future if not resolved.

You need space. I get it. I just hope you're not tuning out the things I'm saying, the thing I think you need to hear, just because you don't want to hear them. You cant run from your problems forever.

Brutal Honesty

I wish all people could just say what they feel all the time like "Hey, I really don't like when you do that to me" or "Hey, I'm not in love with you anymore" or "Hi, I really miss you and think about you all the time" or "Guess what? You look fat in that shirt". Why cant everyone just be painfully honest and save everyone the trouble of tiptoeing around each others feelings. No more wondering or worrying what someone else was thinking. No more trying to learn how to bite your tongue and not say whats not appropriate. Sure, people will get their feelings hurt... but others will hear that they are loved when they didn't know it.

I would've respected you so much more had to come to me, long before things escalated, and just said what you are feeling. Saying "I feel like I couldn't be myself around you" after shit has hit the fan doesn't help. Not having examples of when and why you've felt like that doesn't help either. If, in the moment, you stopped the cycle - hit the pause button - and said "Babe - Look.. I feel like you aren't letting me live my life the way I want to because _____" then I would've been informed. By being informed, I can form an education opinion about whether I feel I am doing something wrong and need to compromise.. or whether you are asking something of me that I am not comfortable conceding with in the relationship.

"I feel like I cant be myself around you" translates to "I don't want anyone telling me that anything I'm thinking or doing is wrong.. or suggesting that I should be saying or feeling something other than what I am." This is chicken shit slang for "I'm too scared to speak up, because it would require me to vocalize my feelings.. feelings I don't want to admit I'm having." You should be YOU no matter what company you are in. Take it or leave it, this is me. You chose not to do that.. don't blame that on me. You have a say in the relationship - you just have to make the decision to utilize it and speak up. Be completely honest and say what you want and need from your partner. Relationships require compromise and growth. If you are just along for the ride, you are never going to be happy long term.

I feel like I changed so much about myself to become a better person and to make us a better couple. Every issue you had with me/us, I worked on. And for what?!.. to not be good enough. I loved and cared for you with every ounce of my being, even when you couldn't see that. I talked to you about my fears and my expectations and my joys. I shared with you exactly what I needed from you. And because you couldn't do the same, I'm alone (again) and without the one I love. I don't get to hug you after work or ask how your day was. I don't get the comfort of knowing I am safe and protected. No "Good Night" - I love the sound of you breathing next to me while I sleep. You took that all away from me. You ran. I guess you want perfection... a relationship that doesn't require growth or effort. The best relationships are made of two imperfect people that refuse to give up on each other. I should've given up on you long ago but I didn't. Because I love you. Because I want to see you as the best version of yourself.

I made sacrifices to show my love for you. I spent Christmas alone so that you could go be with your family, I stayed in on New Years because you weren't feeling well, I ate McDonald's for Valentines Day because it was late and we were tired. Would I have rather had a fancy dinner or gone out dancing and celebrating while watching the ball drop? Yes. But the most important thing to me was spending time with you and seeing you happy. I feel like I've evolved into a "catch". Sure, I still have room to improve but compared to the person and the partner I was two years ago, I'm amazing. I like when you spend time with your friends, I don't ask for lavish gifts or have expensive habits. But most of all, I've always tried to make you feel good about yourself and feel good about being yourself. The fact that you don't see that kills me.

That's Not Ok

I found another small hidden vodka bottle today. Under the sink in the downstairs guest bath. It was hidden in the footbath machine... the one you bought me as a gift years ago. 

Hidden Grey Goose

Add this to the list of bottles I have found around the house and in your trash can, the brown bags I've noticed in your backseat, and the lids/wrappers I've found around the house and your car. Add this to the fact that you took the time and effort to drink from what I thought was the only vodka bottle in the house, and then fill it back up with water, hoping I wouldnt notice. Add this to the fact that you drink daily - not always excessively- including in the morning on the weekends and that you lied to me and willingly said you were not going to drink liquor anymore. You said this - I didnt ask you to. You said you agreed it had gotten out of control and you felt like you didnt make good decisions when you drank liquor. Turns out, you never stopped. Was it because you couldnt? Or did you never intended to.. did you just tell me that to buy time so I would get off your back? If you hide in the bathroom at home and drink, it makes me wonder when else you sneak off.. are you drinking at work, just to take the edge off?

A trash can full of diet pills and alcohol

You planned a binge weekend a few weeks ago. You purchased a 1.75 liter bottle of your favorite vodka with the intention of drinking it all weekend. Not mixing it, not even using a cup.. just straight from the bottle where it sat on the ground next to you on the couch. That's 59.2 oz of alcohol in less than 48 hours. Midway through the weekend you drove to the store to get food. You drove to rent a movie. You drove. You fell asleep in a compromising position. You made choices in your words and actions around me that were extrememly out of character. You barely got off the couch. You justified this by saying "I dont kill people or break things, do I?". You said "Other people plan ahead to drink a lot.. they plan on going downtown and tell themselves ahead of time that they are going to drink more than normal." Yes, but those people leave their social setting, go home, wake up the next day and continue their normal lives. They aren't sitting at home, alone, on the couch, drinking for 48 hours straight. That's not ok.

When I found the first hidden (empty) bottles under the sink, you said you did it because you didnt want to feel judged. You were around me, drinking your regular amount of beer or liquor, but then went to your bathroom and drank more. Obviously you dont feel the need to hide drinking in general - you just feel the need to hide drinking in excess. That should show you that there's a problem. Instead, you get mad at me for finding them and asking you about them. 

When I found that you had replaced the vodka in bottle in the kitchen with water after you drank it, you said you did it because you didn't want me to know you had drank it. You didnt want me to know you had continued to drink after you said you were done with liquor, although you lied and said you drank it long before ever making that comment. I dont understand the logic.. eventually either you would have to throw it out, which you could've just done to begin with, or I'm going to try to use it and realize it's water. How else could that have turned out? The fact that you were just so focused on drinking and covering it up, and not thinking logically about the process, really makes me worry. Of course, when I ask you about this and try to give you the chance to talk to me about what made you feel this was necessary and what you were going through, you got mad. You refused to speak a single word to me outside of text, despite my telling you how important it was to me that we talk about it. I just wanted to hear your side, to understand your thoughts. I said I wouldnt even respond to you - just wanted to hear you speak. You refused. And after a few days, you said you were moving out. Running. Avoiding. 

You make the comment all the time that everyone else loves you - all your friends and coworkers think you are happy and positive and fun. Those people see that side of you, as do I. But those people dont see the hidden side of you that takes place at home at night and on the weekend. They dont see that you go out and drink the 'normal' amount in social settings and then go home and keep drinking. They dont see you trying to go to different liquor stores around town because you are embarrassed that they recognize you. Those people dont try to connect with you on an emotional level or expect you to be able to talk about or be accepting of feelings or emotions. They only see the good side of you - which is a great version of you to know; the version of you I fell in love with 12 years ago. Now I'm terrified of the new you. I'm even more terrified that all those people are eventually going to start to meet that version of you too.

Words of Wisdom from a Wise Friend

"High functioning doesn't last forever. You need to start closing those chapters in your life. You know it wasn't your fault this happened this time and you have tried all you could. Reading about it and researching it with the hope that something is going get answered is doing you no good - just making you more miserable while he is fine with the decisions he made."

HFA

I've watched alcohol ruin things my entire life. As a child, alcoholism is confusing because it doesn't make sense. As an adult, alcoholism is even more confusing because it does make sense and seems so logical. Why cant the smart intelligent human being see the logic?

The reason why is because the general public thinks of an alcoholic as a person on skid row; a wobbling drunk that cant hold down a job, has no money or home, has no family or friends. Of the alcoholic population in America, it is estimated nearly 20% are High Functioning Alcoholics. (HFA)

High Functioning Alcoholics are generally successful in life. They are able to maintain their outside life, such as a job, home, family and friendship. HFAs have the same disease as the stereotypical alcoholic but it manifests or progresses differently. They aren't viewed by society as being an alcoholic because they have functioned, succeeded and/or over-achieved throughout their lifetimes. The denial runs deeps because they haven't suffered financially, they've never been arrested and they go to work everyday. This makes it extremely hard for them to admit to themselves that they need treatment or help.

HFAs are the most complicated kind of alcoholics because they do not see that they have a problem. They are comparing themselves to the drunks they see on the side of the road and know that they are not like that. They identify with their success at work and with the positive opinions their friends and coworkers have of them. They live a double life that no one sees but themselves.. and their spouse.

The spouse of a High Functioning Alcoholic bears a large burden, just as those of a stereotypical alcoholic. The difference is "convincing" outsiders that there is a problem. Since others don't see the double life or know about the drinking habits that take place outside of social situations, most people are unaware that there are issues. This makes it complicated for anyone to help the HFA - you cant address what you aren't aware of. In many cases, when the spouse brings it up, they are pushed to the side as if they are making a big deal out of nothing. The HFA often says things like "No one else in my life says I drink too much.. you just like to nag me" or "I'm not out killing people and breaking things, am I?"

The functioning alcoholic consumes as much alcohol as any "full-blown" alcoholic but they do not exhibit the outward symptoms of intoxication. This is because they have developed a tolerance for alcohol to the point they it makes more for them to feel the effects. This means they must drink increasingly larger amounts to the get "buzz" they are looking for.

By slowly building their alcohol tolerance, the functional alcoholic is drinking at a dangerous level that can result in organ damage, cognitive impairment and alcohol dependence. The most chronic heavy drinkers can get to the point there they show few obvious signs of intoxication even at high blood alcohol concentrations that would incapacitate others.

High Functioning Alcoholics often can stop drinking for periods of time, in attempt to prove they do not have a problem. However, they often consume larger quantities upon resumption. Often the withdrawal symptoms are so severe that they choose to keep the cycle going.

Turkey Talk

Caramel Brulée Latte from Starbucks. Half price because of a BOGO free promotion. Even better. YUM!

I cant believe it's Thanksgiving already again. I'm excited about eating yummy food but didn't meet the weight loss goals I had set. In my defense, I didn't try very hard at all but I did have high hopes. Gained weight instead of losing it. All well. We'll change the goal date to Christmas...see how that goes.

Addicted to Pinterest. Ready for hardwood floors. Wanna tear down a wall. Hoping for big changes to come. Wish it was in the form of a new house as opposed to changes to the current house but I'll take what I can get. I guess.

Downtown has already hung the Christmas decorations. Poor turkey.