Crash and Burn

You returned to the scene of the crime. You committed murder and ran, only to return to do it again. Was I not already dead enough? Was it psychologically pleasing to return to see the chaos you had created? Perhaps you, being the psychopath that you are, saw your crime as a work of art that needed to be admired. Without empathy or a sense of remorse, you were an arsonist who came back to watch the fire- the fire that you started- burn me to the ground. Just as my ashes had begun to disburse into the wind, you swept them up and rebuilt 'us'. You created a false sense of stability and integrity in the composition of my soul... leading me to believe I had been reconstructed to be stronger and more sturdy than ever. I should have recognized that the foundation was built on muddied water. I should have known that the remnants of what was left of my heart could not support the load that would be hoisted upon it. When I crumbled once again, the dust was too fine to capture. I can not be rebuilt.

Shambles

Whether it's religious beliefs or the alignment of the stars, people always have a way of explaining and justifying the idea of cause and effect in life. For some, your actions determine the events that occur in your life. If you are a dick, dick things happen to you. For others, the world spins on an axis that is not altered or affected by your decisions; what is destined to happen will happen. I don't actually know what I believe but I think it is best described as some combination of karma and divine intervention. I can apply this to others' lives; you annoy the fuck out of me so it makes sense that bad things happen to you. In my own life though, I can't figure it out. I don't understand why it feels like I'm constantly being shit on, when I don't feel like a shitty person. I believe I am a good friend, a loyal person, a hard worker, an honest human being.. yet I am continuously hurt, abandoned and seemingly punished. I committed myself entirely to two different 'best friends' in life, both of who were able to completely cut me of out of their lives, and the lives of their families, overnight. I was a grateful and appreciative granddaughter. I was a protective and proud older sister. I can no longer play those roles anymore and it feels as if I was deemed unfit or unable to fulfill the duties, thus the opportunity was taken away. I loved with all of my heart and gave all of myself that I knew how to give, only to learn that it was all a farce. I feel unlovable; unable to love.  Maybe I'm a dick.

Across the Miles

It was 3:27am and every possible thought there was to think was floating through my mind, purposeless. Amidst all of the worry and fear and self loathing, I kept going back to how lucky I am to have someone in my life that understands me. 

Although it defies all logic, you understand my thoughts better than even I do. Despite my lack of rationality and my extreme judgements towards things that are foreign to me, you know exactly what I am thinking and why. Without having to explain myself, you decipher my words... you can tell the difference between my real and fake smile by a simple photo...you can hear the whole story within the tone of my voice, even when I cant bring myself to tell it. I don't know how you do it, and at times I hate that you have such abilities, but I am lucky to have you as my voice of sanity and reason. I am thankful to have someone that says the things I need to hear, whether I want to hear them or not. You remind me often of the person that I am, despite the definition that I have been led to believe by others. You make me feel beautiful; a feat no one else in my life has ever accomplished. 

What makes you so different? Why do you remember the things I said during drunken conversations 13 years ago? Why do you believe in me in ways no one else ever has? Why are you able to see the side of me that I try so hard to show others, without success? Most of all, unlike every other person, why have you not yet abandoned me? You are the voice in the back of my head that makes me push forward on days when I'm ready to give up. The insurmountable joy I feel when you tell me you are proud of me encourages me to be strong when I feel weak. I know that I do not fulfill any of the same needs in your life, partly because we do not share the same voids, but I like to think one day there will be some way that I can be there for you as much as you have been for me. I don't know what I did to deserve to have such a gracious and loving person in my life, and I'm not always sure that I have earned it, but I am forever grateful. 

I know you believe that you understand all the ways that I think but knowing the full extent of how much you mean to me may be the one rare thought that you will never truly be able to grasp. 

Forever and always, thank you.

Monotony

Do you ever get to a point when reading a book where you decide to just skip ahead a few pages... pages it seems like the author should have just left out all together? One moment things are exploding and bad guys are being chased and amazing earth shattering sex is occurring... and then suddenly the author is describing the view of the sunset and the taste of steaming coffee on the balcony on a blustery winter Tuesday. "Get to the good stuff!" you yell, as you toss the book aside, bored by the monotony. 

I feel like that is where I am in my life. My days come and go, with narrative about the happenings around me and nothing more. I wake and admire the sounds of the birds and the scampering of the bunnies on my morning jog.. I go to work and complain about the annoying tendencies of coworkers and the moaning sound of the coffee maker... I sit on my couch and watch the hummingbirds feed in the evenings while I eat frozen dinners in my underwear. The world is spinning around me but my life feels as if it has halted. Perhaps I've seen too many movies or have a distorted view of reality but it seems that this is the point in my existence where love should happen; life should happen. 

Why cant I be that girl that answers a wrong-number phone call, only to end up chatting up the stranger on the other line and falling head over heels? When will it be my turn to turn the corner and ram my buggy into a cute and eligible bachelor in the cookie aisle of the grocery store? If nothing else, I feel like this is the part of the story where I should have committed a heinous crime and am contemplating where to run to and what to name myself. None of that is happening. After spending over a decade of my life with someone with whom reality television and chicken fingers was our greatest common denominator, I am ready for the life I deserve. I should be having drinks after work at a rooftop bar or gathering around the grill on the weekend with the love of my life and all of our friends. I want to be the cute couple that rents a beach house with our other pairs of acquaintances and gets together for doggy play-dates at the local park. 

It feels as if once the scene is set for something exciting and interesting to happen, the author starts scribbling out words and eventually balls up the page, tossing it into the nearby wastebasket. While I understand the need for character and theme development, which are imperative to a good story, I cant help but to yell "Get to the good stuff!" with every passing day.

It Doesn't Work That Way

Do you like you? Do you like the clothes you wear?.. how you fix your hair?

 Do you like the friends you keep?.. the thoughts you speak? 

Do you like the way you feel? Is your life ideal? Is your head fogged by memories your cant forget?  Is your life full of decision you cant help but to regret?

Do you paint on a smile and hope it lasts for a while? Are you trying to hide the feelings of being brushed aside? 

Are you waiting on a green light to show you you're doing alright? 

Love ain't love if it walks away; it doesn't work that way.

 

"Try"
 
   Put your make up on

Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim
So they like you. Do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong
So they like you. Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Oh

Get your shopping on,
At the mall,
Max your credit cards
You don't have to choose,
Buy it all
So they like you. Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself
Do you like you? Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

No
Oh

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Take your make up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
Cause I like you

Yeah, Maybe

The moments in life where you finally hear what someone has said... those instances where you are literally stopped in your tracks because you realize you are affected by the words people have spoken to and about you... the times you cry tears of confusion because you don't know whose definition of yourself you believe... the bursts of anger you feel when the pain that has been caused reaches the deepest depths of your core... During those moments, you are forced to admit that you don't want to know yourself.

What if they are right? Maybe you are determined to be unhappy, despite any good that comes along in your life. Maybe you are unable to maintain friendships because you are unlikeable and maybe you do instill the feeling of fear of upsetting you in those who get close to you.  Maybe you are just that overweight 'salt & pepperfaced' insecure selfish bitch they've always told you that you are. 

But. Maybe you're not. Maybe you're just misunderstood. Maybe you expect a lot out of people because you are willing to give the same. Maybe you have such desire to connect with someone on a deeper level because you need to feel like you belong and have a purpose. Perhaps being abandoned, literally and figuratively, time and time again has left a feeling of emptiness and loneliness which has caused you to cling too tightly to others.

Insert Title Here

I miss my best friend. I miss my companion. I miss the person that knew my every fear and weakness; the one that knew my laugh from across the room and could read my emotions with a single glance. I miss the silly little things like sitting on the porch when it's raining. I miss grocery shopping together. Neither of us knew how to cook but we'd spend so much time and get so excited about picking the perfect burgers or the freshest vegetables. I miss how we used to lay awake for hours on the night before vacations, too excited to sleep a wink. I miss the way you always put your hand on the back of my head when putting the car in reverse, as if it was a required step in the driving manual. You used to pretend to put an astronaut helmet on me when I was scared, complete with sound effects. I miss falling asleep with my head on your chest while you read or listened to music, because I always fell asleep first. I miss planning your birthday.. something I looked forward to for 12 years. I miss getting a sleepy eyed 'good morning' hug and no matter how tired or mad or far apart we were, you never failed to say good night. I miss watching you cuddle up with Tiger when taking naps and I miss seeing the dogs get so excited when they heard your car coming from down the street. I miss random text messages during the workday and I miss lazy Saturday mornings. There are no thoughtful notes on the counter or cards in the mailbox. I miss being able to say "Remember that time when ..." because no one in my life remembers that time when you and I laughed at Tiger on the roof or when we thought we had a gas leak or when we cared for those stray baby kittens. No one knows our inside jokes or our silly languages. No one in my life knows to bring me mashed potatoes when I'm sick or to help with me with math at the register. I feel like my entire life up to this point is a memory that only involves you and thus I'm left to recall it all on my own. I miss having memories together. I miss laughing together. I miss working together as a team and functioning together as a family. I miss the person that makes my heart feel complete.