Coping

They've always said depression is an illness; a chemical imbalance that affects every area of your life. I never wanted to believe it. I believed depression is circumstantial- if your life sucks, you get depressed. It never made sense to me that someone who had everything they wanted could ever justify being unhappy. Someone who had a happy relationship, a successful job, a supportive family.. those people could never justify wanting to die.

My opinion has changed. I now know that, no matter how hard you fight it, no matter how happy you are in certain areas of your life, your brain can still succumb to the battle of depression. It doesn't make sense. It isn't logical. It is, however, real.

Depression makes you do the things that cause you to be depressed. You get sad and you find ways to cope. Being sad makes you angry and you find ways to cope. Without positive coping mechanisms, you get stuck in a cycle that further exasperates the issues. You cant explain it. You cant justify it. You feel out of control which causes your world to spin even faster out of control. You put so much energy towards trying to feel normal... trying to look ok... and you exhaust yourself both mentally and physically in the process.

Telling someone you're not ok feels oddly comforting. Admitting that you're struggling is extremely difficult but once you do, there's a feeling of relief. The relief comes from knowing you're not alone, you're not crazy, you're not imagining it. Depression is an illness that skinny people feel and happily married people feel. People with fairy tale lives are depressed. It doesn't mean that you're ungrateful for all the positive things in your life. If doesn't meant that you aren't thankful for the amazing people that are part of your life or that the love that you feel for someone isn't real. It's possible to be over-the-moon happy yet still be depressed.

Apparently.

Amazed

I read my messages from the past; the letters I wrote to myself... the notes I made for no one. I read about the darkness, the pain, the hurt. I read it and I'm amazed. There were days I didn't think I'd make it, nights I didn't want to wake up the next day. I remember feeling like I'd never escape the hole I had dug for myself and no amount of self pity, tears or alcohol helped. I had come to terms with the fact that 'damaged' was my new identity. I used my circumstances to justify my poor decisions and my changes in personality. I allowed myself to be defined by what happened to me and I was ok with that because I felt like I at least existed in some form; albeit broken.

I read those words that I know I wrote and I am amazed. How is it possible that I could feel so content at this moment when I never thought I'd even survive? Is this what happiness feels like? How long has it been since I've felt happiness? Have I ever? Has there ever been a time in my life when I didn't feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and the burden of others in my hands? I cant remember.

I didn't get lucky... I prayed for this moment. A lot. I finally feel deserving. I've worked hard to create a place for myself in the professional world. I've done the best that I can to make a home for myself. I've tried to be the supportive friend and the loving daughter to the best of my ability. I deserve to be happy for a change. I deserve to feel like others care about me instead of always feeling like the one to care for a change.

I've earned happiness. I've earned success. I've earned love. I never thought I would believe those statements in reference to myself; never thought I'd be able to accept happiness. I read these words and I'm amazed.

Drifting

We are both looking for someone but not for each other; both alone in a cruel world, drifting. Why do I feel guilty for the feelings I can't express? Why do I feel responsible for the emotions I can't feel? Like you, I am a person who just wants to be loved. I want to feel lovable. Am I? Maybe we don't all have a purpose, a reason. Maybe things don't always work out and we end up just floating around in a place we don't belong. For some, we are a face with no name. Others are a name with no soul. We exist but we don't live. We appear but we don't thrive. Maybe the path of life and the obtainable goals aren't consistent with everyone. Some are capable; some are failures.

Rejection Depression

Abandon:

verb

cease to support or look after (someone); desert
____________________
Also known as 'to reject'... 'devalue'... 'to give up on'... 'to be better off without'... 'to feel no moral obligation towards'...


My life feels like one big instance of abandonment; a game to see how much I can withstand. The feeling of building a connection with someone, be it over days or weeks or years, only to have them walk away without ever looking back, is a feeling that cant be described. The sense of rejection and lack of value that I feel is so immense that it overwhelms me and sucks the breath right out of me. I feel so unwanted and I hate knowing that the impact I make on people is so disposable.

Andy:
You gave me life; you created me. You know how to reach me and you choose not to. I am your only daughter and possibly your only child. Am I not worth getting to know? Do you not remember what it was like to hold me on the day I was born and to watch me learn to roll over and sit up? Do none of those memories matter?

Marvin:
You were the only father I knew as a young child. You took me Trick or Treating. You held me in the waiting room as my brother, your son, was born. I visited you in the AA facility every Saturday and you wrote me letters to read at bedtime since you couldn't tuck me in. You grieved with us... and then you disappeared. Do you not ever wonder who I turned in to; whether I lived or died?

Tom:
You promised the moon and the stars to me; you used to tell me how special and important I was. You helped me build my first tree house, you used to help me pick out my dress for church every Sunday and you came to all of my school functions. You were such an asshole but I was a child that looked up to you for so many years. You had your own children and I knew you would never see me as the same but before you took your last breath this year, did you ever question what became of the little girl you helped raise? Death made it easier for you but you walked away years ago and never looked back.

Bob:
You were around for everything; high school graduation, buying my house, family vacations and other milestones. You treated me like the princess who held your heart and used to bring me coffee at work just to have an excuse to visit. You would call me for gift advice and we had sneaky little secrets that made me laugh. You used to go out of your way to do whatever it took to make me happy and then you disappeared. You don't know anything that is going on in my life. You don't care how I am doing. How did I go from being one of the most important people in your life to being a distant memory?

Becky:
You are the friend who has known me the longest. You've been in my life since 1st grade and you went out of your way over the years to make sure our friendship stood the test of time. I was your shoulder to cry on and you were my source of laughter and strength. You gave me the best gift I could have ever asked for in the world when I got to look into those beautiful eyes after hours of patiently waiting for Madelyn to be born. Just seeing her smile or hearing her voice was enough to brighten my day regardless of whatever else had taken place. She stole my entire heart and I loved you for allowing me to be a part of her life. Then you left and you took her with you. After so many years and with so much history, you abruptly slammed the door shut on our friendship with no hesitation or looking back.

Heather:
You are the friend who knows me the best. You know things about me and relationships that no one else does. You shared things with me that no one else will ever know and I cherished those moments of trust so much. I relied on you for emotional and mental support, while offering the same. I supported you in times when it felt like the world was against you because I had faith in your ability to know what needed to happen in your life. You walked out on me at a time when I needed you most. You chose a guy over me, based on a huge misunderstanding, but you made it look so easy to cut me out of your life. No apologies, no expression of regret, nothing. Just silence... and because of that, I am missing out on your wedding and your future.

B:
You are the hardest reality to face. You abandoned me completely; mentally, physically and emotionally. We were there for each other through so much stuff over so many years. We experienced things together that I wouldn't wish on anyone else. We were both so broken but together we provided support. You walked out on me, leaving me to clean up the mess you created. But - that wasn't enough. You came back, broke me into a million pieces, and then walked out again. You took every weakness and insecurity that you knew about me and you used it against me. You shattered me. How can you do that to someone that you loved? How can you harm the person that has saved you time and time again? Why would you want to pull me under the current with you, just because you weren't able to keep your own head above water? Did I really offer that little value to you and to your life? Did you not feel any moral obligation to protect me from the storm you created, after I sheltered you and bailed you out of so much over the years? You never looked back; you don't know where I'm at or what I'm doing. You left behind responsibilities that you take no ownership of. You left me and you built a whole new life with no regard for mine.


Why am I so easy to walk away from? What am I doing that not only gives people the ability to simply turn their backs on me but to also prosper once doing so? Here I am sitting and crying and thinking about all the people in my past when none of them have given a single thought about me. This is why I get so upset about broken friendships or loss of acquaintances; it's just another example of someone making a conscious decision to completely remove me from their life. The only person who has stayed in my life for any significant amount of time is someone who doesn't see or talk to me on a regular basis; he is there when I need him and vice versa but it's not a daily or even weekly occurrence. I cant help but to think that has something to do with his ability to withstand me for this long though, I believe that if questioned, he would be forced to admit that I offer no true value to his life. I just exist... and when people are tired of me existing, they delete me from their lives and move on. It's that simple apparently.

Phase 5

You've put me back in that place I came from. You've reminded me how it feels to cry and question my own sanity. With your words you crumbled my impression of you and my belief in myself. I'm comfortable there; comfortable feeling like I've done something wrong. I'm familiar with the feeling of wrongdoing, simply for standing up for myself when someone treats me like crap. It's always been my fault before, why should that change? Instead of taking ownership for your actions and how they cause others to feel, it's easier to deflect your anger onto me... making me the enemy. I become the psychotic crazy female who thinks she knows everything and who can never be wrong. Am I really lucky enough to just keep welcoming this kind of person into my life or am I really the problem like they've made me believe? I've tried to convince myself that I'm not that person he told me I was... that I am more than just a 'fat, salt-and-peppered face lazy bitch that no one likes'. I had almost began to believe that I was. I know I'm blunt and to the point; I speak my mind. I'm also a human, with emotions and feelings. Why should it be ok for you to say and do whatever you want, with no regard for others, but when I call you out on it, I'm the one at fault? Maybe I am the monster he said I was... a monster he created.

Escape Route

I've made so many memories in this town. There are so many moments I wish I could forget, bottled inside the invisible lines that divide this town from the rest of the world. Even moments that took place outside of this county began and ended in this town. I cant turn a corner without seeing a shadow left behind by a moment that once existed. I want to be free of memories, free of things and places that trigger an explosion of smoke in my already foggy brain. I cant breathe in this town; its as if my former life has consumed all of the oxygen that was intended for me to survive on. I'm choking, suffocating. I want to be in a place where my brain cant connect the dots of what once was... a place filled with newness. I want new sights, new experiences, new people, new air. I want to be excited to explore instead of living in a constant state of anxiety and panic. Where do I go? How far away from a flame is far enough to feel the warmth without being burned? The people that matter to me are here, buried somewhere beneath the ashes left by those who don't. How far can I run, without ending up cold and alone, with nothing familiar? How far can I run?

Gross National Happiness Index

I'm eating Cheetos and drinking beer, like your sad ex-lover. I'm crying over her captions and fixating on your photos that capture the same life we had but with a modified cast. I've been so focused on your comings and goings that I've forgotten to keep moving myself. Social media is a daily reminder of everything I'm missing; a path of circles that I get lost in. It is also my door to world; a means of justifying my existence to the single or several strangers that choose to watch. Just within hours of deactivation, the colors of myself seem to fade without an audience to impress. There's no one but myself to pass judgement on, no one else to compare my life to, no one to water the flower that is my ego. With nothing else to fixate on, I'm forced to look within for acceptance and to focus on my own choices. I chose this path willingly but I'm scared to be alone on my island. I fear the thoughts that I've made room for and I worry that the isolation is framework for failure.