Shambles

Whether it's religious beliefs or the alignment of the stars, people always have a way of explaining and justifying the idea of cause and effect in life. For some, your actions determine the events that occur in your life. If you are a dick, dick things happen to you. For others, the world spins on an axis that is not altered or affected by your decisions; what is destined to happen will happen. I don't actually know what I believe but I think it is best described as some combination of karma and divine intervention. I can apply this to others' lives; you annoy the fuck out of me so it makes sense that bad things happen to you. In my own life though, I can't figure it out. I don't understand why it feels like I'm constantly being shit on, when I don't feel like a shitty person. I believe I am a good friend, a loyal person, a hard worker, an honest human being.. yet I am continuously hurt, abandoned and seemingly punished. I committed myself entirely to two different 'best friends' in life, both of who were able to completely cut me of out of their lives, and the lives of their families, overnight. I was a grateful and appreciative granddaughter. I was a protective and proud older sister. I can no longer play those roles anymore and it feels as if I was deemed unfit or unable to fulfill the duties, thus the opportunity was taken away. I loved with all of my heart and gave all of myself that I knew how to give, only to learn that it was all a farce. I feel unlovable; unable to love.  Maybe I'm a dick.