Love Runs Out

Why do I have the desire to still be nice and understanding and friendly, when I feel you haven't done the same for me? I want to respond to your text messages and I want to ask you if you're ok... but I realize you didn't care if I was. You didn't hold me while I cried and you didn't take the time to explain your feelings to me or help me understand what was going on. So why do I care? Maybe it's because I still want "one day" to happen. I want you to have a heart to heart and tell me whats going on and explain how you're getting help... that you realize all the ways you've messed up your life and that you'll do anything to earn back the love and trust of those that you've hurt.. that you're sorry. My heart wants all of these things but my mind knows they will never happen. My mind knows that's not whats best for me. My heart cant let go though and that's what makes it so difficult. Why do you keep popping up?.. you haven't done any of the things I've asked you to do. Why do you think you're doing me a favor by maintaining a form of 'friendship'? Why cant I just tell you to go away and stop contacting me? I know you are just doing it to avoid rocking the boat so I wont 'force' you to do the things you don't want to do... you don't actually care about me. Maybe you are wanting me to tell you I miss you and that I'm doing terrible without you, to make you feel better about yourself. Maybe you want me to initiate the conversation about all the things you haven't done yet so you can make me out to be the crazy person you think I am. Maybe you're realizing you're not better on your own like you thought you'd be. All of the maybes in the world don't make up for reality.. you left. You abandoned me emotionally, you abandoned your responsibilities at the house, you abandoned me. I should be mad, furious even, and I should want to just cut you and your bullshit out of my life. Sometimes love runs out, sometimes love runs you over and sometimes love just runs away.

I cant wait for the day when I can say I'm: 

"Over You"

Graffiti6

Lay down your armour baby.
No need to fight no more.
Cause I've been wondering darlin'.
And we should stop this war.

Cause it's alright.
Nothing lasts forever baby.
It's alright.
Now I can dance.

Cause I'm over you.
This time is the last time.
I'm over you.
That won't change.
Said I'm over you.
This time is the last time.
Always.

I don't need no arguments,
Just walk through the door baby.
Sometimes I don't know what we're screaming about.
You lose yourself, I lose myself baby.

But it's alright.
Nothing lasts forever baby.
It's alright.
Now I can dance.

Cause I'm over you.
This time is the last time.
I'm over you.
I can change.
Said I am over love.
This time is the last time.
Always, my love.

And maybe yeah, it took a long time
When you're running from truths that you can't find.
And oh Lord, I was in pieces
When love had gone.

But now I'm over you.
This time was the last time.
I'm over you.
I can dance.
Said I'm over love.
This time was the last time.
Always, always.

Said I'm over you.
This time is the last time.
I'm over you.
I can change.
Said I'm over love.
This time is the last time.
For always.

They Say

Be excited, they say. Look at how many opportunities you have now, they say. Think about all the things you can learn about yourself, they say. Keep your head up, they say. This is for the best, they say. You'll find love again, they say. Stop focusing on the negative.. stop thinking about it.. stop making excuses.. stop feeling sorry for yourself.. stop letting your emotions control you.. they say. You just don't understand, I say. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIRDY

"Shine"

Standing here in the rain
I can see the water soaking through
The holes in your shoes
And turn your mind from the storm
Get you somewhere safe
Where it's soft and warm

I'm waiting here at a dim street light
Orange dances around in your empty eyes
And I can see straight into your soul
Feeling oh so lost and out of control
Oh

Shine
If your heart tells you to then who are you to question it
Shine
If the world gets you down don't be afraid to wrestle it
Shine
You have your whole life ahead of you
Come make a mess of it
Shine
If your heart tells you to then who are you to question it
Who are you to question it

Tired now, feeling scared
Unfamiliar light floods into the room
You have woken to
Hopeful eyes looking out
As you wait alone
Hiding tears of doubt

Not holding back as you realize
Your abandonment
You'll be cast aside
And I can see straight into your soul
Feeling oh so lost and out of control
Whoa oh

Shine
If your heart tells you to then who are you to question it
Shine
If the world gets you down don't be afraid to wrestle it
Shine
You have your whole life ahead of you
Come make a mess of it
Shine
If your heart tells you to then who are you to question it
Who are you to question it

Hold my hand when the lights go down
And you're feeling scared but no one understands
Whoa oh
Keep your head up and don't look down
Now guard your stacks to keep you on the ground
Whoa oh

Your love is strong
And they just don't deserve
To choose where you belong

Shine
If your heart tells you to then who are you to question it
Shine
If the world gets you down don't be afraid to wrestle it
Shine
You have your whole life ahead of you
Come make a mess of it
Shine
If your heart tells you to then who are you to question it
Who are you to question it

Let The Lonely In

"The Lonely"

CHRISTINA PERRI

2am; where do I begin,
Crying off my face again.
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night.
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me til I fall asleep.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely.

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Lessons

It's no secret that I do not want children. Everyone that knows me knows I do not wish to be a mother. Despite the number of times people tell me I will change my mind, this is one of the only things I am certain of in my life. I don't want to, nor do I feel qualified to, be responsible for the well being of another human being on this earth. With every life lesson I learn and with every tear I cry, I am reminded of how happy I am that I will not have to watch my child struggle through the same things. As an only child, I also will not have the opportunity to share my understanding of the world with nieces or nephews nor will I have to watch them struggle with life decisions, heartbreak, loss, love, etc.

If I were to share knowledge with my unconceived child or my nonexistent nieces and nephews though, I feel like the list of bullet points continues to grow by the day. Slowly all of the lessons my own mom tried to teach me are making sense. 

• Don't rely on others to define yourself. 
• Be confident in who you are yet open to understanding how others portray you. 
• Don't find your identity in temporary things (your car, your job, etc) or people. Those things come and go but your passions remain. 
• Feed your hobbies and talents for without them you are boring and bored. 
• Experience everything once... Try new foods, learn about things outside of your comfort zone, open your mind to varied ways of thinking. 
• Have opinions about things, as insignificant as they may feel, and stick to them despite what others think. 
• Know the kind of person you want to be or you will become the person everyone thinks you are. 
• Make family a priority and allow them to do the same for you. 
• Welcome a variety of types of people into your life as acquaintances but understand the true definition of a friend. 
•  Remain strong enough to keep yourself whole but allow yourself to admit to being broken when needed. 
• Surround yourself with people who encourage you to be the best version of yourself possible and who are willing and able to help you in that journey. 
• Don't trust everyone but allow yourself to open up to those who have proven that they care about you as a person and not just as a source of entertainment in their lives. 
• Give others the same amount of respect that you expect to receive from them. 
• Look at each day as a gift and an adventure as opposed to a routine. 
• Say your prayers and trust that they are heard. 
• Maintain the friendships you make in high school for those are the people that you chose to be friends with for various reasons. As you get older, your friends become a result of your environment and not necessarily because they are someone you have chosen.
• Leave your comfort zone. Often.

Barefoot

Once I stopped hoping for a reconciliation and realized that not being in a relationship with you was what was best for me, the load became lighter. Things became easier to deal with when I stopped feeling sorry for myself and stopped wishing for a different outcome. This is the hand I have been dealt and I just have to smile and keep moving on with my life. Things became easier - but they didn't become easy. This is still difficult.. hard as hell... and even though I've gotten better at 'being ok', I cant pretend that I'm not still dying inside with each day that goes by. Sure, I'm better at distracting my thoughts or at conjuring up feelings of anger to replace other undesirable emotions but that doesn't mean I'm not still fighting with them internally. Having not had any contact with you for over a week has made it easier to pretend you just don't exist... not having to communicate with you allows me to just block you out. Having not had any contact with you also makes it harder - makes me realize you are choosing not to communicate with me and not have me in your life... which hurts.

Everything normal is now different. I know 'different' doesn't have to mean bad but for now it means uncomfortable and unfamiliar. I feel like I have traveled to another country where I know nothing about the language or the culture... I'm traveling the streets of a world I've never visited. Barefoot.


Flight Of The Conchords Lyrics - I'm Not Crying

So you're leaving?
I can tell because I can see you're leaving
But if you're trying to break my heart
Your plan is flawed from the start
You can't break this heart, it's liquid
It melted when I met you

And as you leave, don't turn back to me
Don't turn around to see if I'm crying
I'm not crying, not crying, not crying
I'm not crying, it's just been raining on my face
And if you think you see some tear tracks down my cheeks
Please, please don't tell my mates

I'm not crying, no, I'm not crying
And if I am crying, it's not because of you
It's because I'm thinking about a friend of mine
You don't know who is dying, that's right, dying
These aren't tears of sadness because you're leaving me
I've just been cutting onions, I'm making a lasagna for one

Oh, I'm not crying, no
There's just a little bit of dust in my eye
That's from the path that you made when you said your goodbye
I'm not weeping 'cause you won't be here to hold my hand
For your information, there's an inflammation in my tear gland

I'm not upset because you left me this way
My eyes are just a little sweaty today
They've been looking around and are searching for you
They've been looking for you even though I told them not to
These aren't tears of sadness, they're tears of joy
I'm just laughing, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

I'm sitting at this table called love
Staring down at the irony of life
How come we've reached this fork in the road
And yet it cuts like a knife?

I'm not crying
I'm not crying
I'm not crying

Draft

From day to night my feelings emerge
An uneven balance of anger and fear
They consume my being in what could only be called
A soulful and mournful whispering dirge.

With every box I pack and every memory I suppress
I win a tiny yet mighty battle
Proving to myself that I have the strength
To numb the pain during convalesce.

I've sat on the doorstep of the house of depression
And I've knocked loud enough to hear
But I'm refusing to cross over the threshold of hurt
Instead I continue my process of prayer and intercession.

There, I Still Will Be

There, I still will be.

I gave you the sun But you wanted the moon. When I gave you the moon,  You wanted the stars. So I reached blindly,  for the most infinite stars,  And wrapped myself Around each one of them,  Just for you. The stars,  the moon and the sun combined,  Weren't enough for your fickle heart. So I took my tears,  And made you a sea,  So you can sail the earth And find the impossible treasure,  You constantly seek. Yet every morning,  my sun will be there to wake you. Every night,  My moon will be there to calm you. And if you ever need me,  Look amongst the stars,  Wrapped in each one of them,  There, I still will be.

Mirtha Michelle Castro Marmol