When I think about all the little things I went out of my way to do for you, to make you happy... like taking days off work and hiring a stranger to fix the outlet bc I knew how bad you wanted it to work.. Or stuffing a towel under my bathroom door every morning so the light didn't wake you up... Or silly little things like buying your favorite color poweraid so you would have it after frisbee or making your favorite cake with extra sprinkles... I can't make you want to share your life with me and I can't make you live your life a certain way but I can assure you that you will not find someone that wanted to make you happy more than I did. Until you allow yourself to be happy though, I've realize all of my efforts are wasted. I hate myself for investing so much time and energy into someone who didn't appreciate it or doesn't know how to accept it. More than anything I'm embarrassed that I care so much about someone who finds it so easy to walk away, not once but twice. A life where you only have to care about yourself and your actions isn't reality. Avoiding decisions and discussions isn't reality. Expecting life and relationships to just "work" without effort isn't reality. Every day when you're choosing what you want to think about and deal with or what you want to ignore, I'm parking my car in our garage, next to our bikes and standing in the room we remodeled, on the floors we laid, looking at the marks on the wall caused by the tennis ball you threw up our stairs with our dogs and sleeping in our bed that we picked out. I don't get to escape it and pretend it's not happening. So when you think I'm crazy, just remember I'm surrounded by the memories of what I wanted to be love forever. I hope that you find whatever version of happiness you are looking for and I hope you one day can appreciate the parts of me I fully gave to you... Parts that I can never get back and never would have shared had I known you would not be my husband. I hope one day you realize I'm not an insane person that's refusing to let go... I'm just someone who has lost the person that means the most to them and that feels like they failed at making that person feel loved. It doesn't seem like you understand that at all... Not because you're choosing to leave but because you have handled it such a way that feels selfish and disconnected. One day you are telling me how bad you want me to go to Rhode Island with you and a week later you are moving out. I don't think you really know what you want but you've made it clear that it's not me. I told you in the beginning I wasn't going to try to convince you to change your mind, yet I did. For some reason I thought of you as someone who was lost and broken and not thinking straight or making sound decisions.. Someone that was impaired by their life. I guess that made it easier for me to justify it.. To make myself feel like less of a failure.. But I realize now that's not the case. You are making these decisions and you are thinking them through and this is what you want. I don't need to "fix" you or help you. And I don't need to wait on you. I've finally realized all of this and am ready to let go.
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