It Doesn't Work That Way

Do you like you? Do you like the clothes you wear?.. how you fix your hair?

 Do you like the friends you keep?.. the thoughts you speak? 

Do you like the way you feel? Is your life ideal? Is your head fogged by memories your cant forget?  Is your life full of decision you cant help but to regret?

Do you paint on a smile and hope it lasts for a while? Are you trying to hide the feelings of being brushed aside? 

Are you waiting on a green light to show you you're doing alright? 

Love ain't love if it walks away; it doesn't work that way.

 

"Try"
 
   Put your make up on

Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim
So they like you. Do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong
So they like you. Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Oh

Get your shopping on,
At the mall,
Max your credit cards
You don't have to choose,
Buy it all
So they like you. Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself
Do you like you? Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

No
Oh

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Take your make up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
Cause I like you

Yeah, Maybe

The moments in life where you finally hear what someone has said... those instances where you are literally stopped in your tracks because you realize you are affected by the words people have spoken to and about you... the times you cry tears of confusion because you don't know whose definition of yourself you believe... the bursts of anger you feel when the pain that has been caused reaches the deepest depths of your core... During those moments, you are forced to admit that you don't want to know yourself.

What if they are right? Maybe you are determined to be unhappy, despite any good that comes along in your life. Maybe you are unable to maintain friendships because you are unlikeable and maybe you do instill the feeling of fear of upsetting you in those who get close to you.  Maybe you are just that overweight 'salt & pepperfaced' insecure selfish bitch they've always told you that you are. 

But. Maybe you're not. Maybe you're just misunderstood. Maybe you expect a lot out of people because you are willing to give the same. Maybe you have such desire to connect with someone on a deeper level because you need to feel like you belong and have a purpose. Perhaps being abandoned, literally and figuratively, time and time again has left a feeling of emptiness and loneliness which has caused you to cling too tightly to others.

Insert Title Here

I miss my best friend. I miss my companion. I miss the person that knew my every fear and weakness; the one that knew my laugh from across the room and could read my emotions with a single glance. I miss the silly little things like sitting on the porch when it's raining. I miss grocery shopping together. Neither of us knew how to cook but we'd spend so much time and get so excited about picking the perfect burgers or the freshest vegetables. I miss how we used to lay awake for hours on the night before vacations, too excited to sleep a wink. I miss the way you always put your hand on the back of my head when putting the car in reverse, as if it was a required step in the driving manual. You used to pretend to put an astronaut helmet on me when I was scared, complete with sound effects. I miss falling asleep with my head on your chest while you read or listened to music, because I always fell asleep first. I miss planning your birthday.. something I looked forward to for 12 years. I miss getting a sleepy eyed 'good morning' hug and no matter how tired or mad or far apart we were, you never failed to say good night. I miss watching you cuddle up with Tiger when taking naps and I miss seeing the dogs get so excited when they heard your car coming from down the street. I miss random text messages during the workday and I miss lazy Saturday mornings. There are no thoughtful notes on the counter or cards in the mailbox. I miss being able to say "Remember that time when ..." because no one in my life remembers that time when you and I laughed at Tiger on the roof or when we thought we had a gas leak or when we cared for those stray baby kittens. No one knows our inside jokes or our silly languages. No one in my life knows to bring me mashed potatoes when I'm sick or to help with me with math at the register. I feel like my entire life up to this point is a memory that only involves you and thus I'm left to recall it all on my own. I miss having memories together. I miss laughing together. I miss working together as a team and functioning together as a family. I miss the person that makes my heart feel complete.

Wind Gusts

Every time I try to write my story, the characters become distorted or disappear. My plot twists and my theme dissolves. I lose sight of the point I was making and get lost in the trip I was taking. Every time I attempt to finalize the ending, I'm blinded by the beginning that has not yet begun. How can one find comfort in the journey without feeling confident in the final destination? Wind gusts and moments of disarray are not my ideal modes of travel; as the author of my story, I want a leisurely trip. 

Suitcases

Sometimes you hear the right song at the right moment... 

 

 

  
"Suitcases"
Dara Maclean

How can you move when they're weighing you down?
What can you do when you're tied to the ground, yeah?
You carry your burdens heavy like gravity
Just let them go now, there's freedom in release

You can't run when you're holding suitcases
It's a new day, throw away your mistakes
And open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There's a better way when you know you're forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

Can you imagine what it's like to be free, oh, oh, oh?
Well, send those bags packing, they are not what you need, oh
Abandon your troubles by the side of the street
Just let them go now, believe me

You can't run when you're holding suitcases
Yes, it's a new day, throw away your mistakes
And open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There's a better way when you know you're forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

There's nothing holding
You back now, just run

Oh, you can't run when you're holding suitcases
Yes, it's a new day, throw away your mistakes
And open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be afraid

Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There's a better way when you know you're forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don't have to be, you don't have to be afraid
You don't have to be afraid

Orange

Every morning, I wake up hoping I wont feel the same feelings.. hoping I wont wish you were next to me. Every evening I pray for the strength to come to terms with the fact that this isn't temporary.. you're not just on vacation or relocated overseas. You're gone and I wish my heart and my brain could just get on the same page and deal. I don't want live this way anymore.. being alone during storms, stressing over how I am financially going to manage, taking our dog to the vet by myself, have to panic internally because there's no one next to me at night to share my thoughts and fears and goals with.. not having anyone to come home to to share the exciting moments of my day or to give me an embrace after a trying day. I miss my old life... it wasn't perfect. Hell, it wasn't even real... but I miss it. I want to think that you think about me when it storms.. that you wonder if I'm ok. I want to think you wonder what I'm doing and how I've been spending my time. I know you don't.... but I want to think that you do. I wish that you did.

Love Runs Out

Why do I have the desire to still be nice and understanding and friendly, when I feel you haven't done the same for me? I want to respond to your text messages and I want to ask you if you're ok... but I realize you didn't care if I was. You didn't hold me while I cried and you didn't take the time to explain your feelings to me or help me understand what was going on. So why do I care? Maybe it's because I still want "one day" to happen. I want you to have a heart to heart and tell me whats going on and explain how you're getting help... that you realize all the ways you've messed up your life and that you'll do anything to earn back the love and trust of those that you've hurt.. that you're sorry. My heart wants all of these things but my mind knows they will never happen. My mind knows that's not whats best for me. My heart cant let go though and that's what makes it so difficult. Why do you keep popping up?.. you haven't done any of the things I've asked you to do. Why do you think you're doing me a favor by maintaining a form of 'friendship'? Why cant I just tell you to go away and stop contacting me? I know you are just doing it to avoid rocking the boat so I wont 'force' you to do the things you don't want to do... you don't actually care about me. Maybe you are wanting me to tell you I miss you and that I'm doing terrible without you, to make you feel better about yourself. Maybe you want me to initiate the conversation about all the things you haven't done yet so you can make me out to be the crazy person you think I am. Maybe you're realizing you're not better on your own like you thought you'd be. All of the maybes in the world don't make up for reality.. you left. You abandoned me emotionally, you abandoned your responsibilities at the house, you abandoned me. I should be mad, furious even, and I should want to just cut you and your bullshit out of my life. Sometimes love runs out, sometimes love runs you over and sometimes love just runs away.

I cant wait for the day when I can say I'm: 

"Over You"

Graffiti6

Lay down your armour baby.
No need to fight no more.
Cause I've been wondering darlin'.
And we should stop this war.

Cause it's alright.
Nothing lasts forever baby.
It's alright.
Now I can dance.

Cause I'm over you.
This time is the last time.
I'm over you.
That won't change.
Said I'm over you.
This time is the last time.
Always.

I don't need no arguments,
Just walk through the door baby.
Sometimes I don't know what we're screaming about.
You lose yourself, I lose myself baby.

But it's alright.
Nothing lasts forever baby.
It's alright.
Now I can dance.

Cause I'm over you.
This time is the last time.
I'm over you.
I can change.
Said I am over love.
This time is the last time.
Always, my love.

And maybe yeah, it took a long time
When you're running from truths that you can't find.
And oh Lord, I was in pieces
When love had gone.

But now I'm over you.
This time was the last time.
I'm over you.
I can dance.
Said I'm over love.
This time was the last time.
Always, always.

Said I'm over you.
This time is the last time.
I'm over you.
I can change.
Said I'm over love.
This time is the last time.
For always.

They Say

Be excited, they say. Look at how many opportunities you have now, they say. Think about all the things you can learn about yourself, they say. Keep your head up, they say. This is for the best, they say. You'll find love again, they say. Stop focusing on the negative.. stop thinking about it.. stop making excuses.. stop feeling sorry for yourself.. stop letting your emotions control you.. they say. You just don't understand, I say. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIRDY

"Shine"

Standing here in the rain
I can see the water soaking through
The holes in your shoes
And turn your mind from the storm
Get you somewhere safe
Where it's soft and warm

I'm waiting here at a dim street light
Orange dances around in your empty eyes
And I can see straight into your soul
Feeling oh so lost and out of control
Oh

Shine
If your heart tells you to then who are you to question it
Shine
If the world gets you down don't be afraid to wrestle it
Shine
You have your whole life ahead of you
Come make a mess of it
Shine
If your heart tells you to then who are you to question it
Who are you to question it

Tired now, feeling scared
Unfamiliar light floods into the room
You have woken to
Hopeful eyes looking out
As you wait alone
Hiding tears of doubt

Not holding back as you realize
Your abandonment
You'll be cast aside
And I can see straight into your soul
Feeling oh so lost and out of control
Whoa oh

Shine
If your heart tells you to then who are you to question it
Shine
If the world gets you down don't be afraid to wrestle it
Shine
You have your whole life ahead of you
Come make a mess of it
Shine
If your heart tells you to then who are you to question it
Who are you to question it

Hold my hand when the lights go down
And you're feeling scared but no one understands
Whoa oh
Keep your head up and don't look down
Now guard your stacks to keep you on the ground
Whoa oh

Your love is strong
And they just don't deserve
To choose where you belong

Shine
If your heart tells you to then who are you to question it
Shine
If the world gets you down don't be afraid to wrestle it
Shine
You have your whole life ahead of you
Come make a mess of it
Shine
If your heart tells you to then who are you to question it
Who are you to question it

Let The Lonely In

"The Lonely"

CHRISTINA PERRI

2am; where do I begin,
Crying off my face again.
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night.
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me til I fall asleep.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely.

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.

Lessons

It's no secret that I do not want children. Everyone that knows me knows I do not wish to be a mother. Despite the number of times people tell me I will change my mind, this is one of the only things I am certain of in my life. I don't want to, nor do I feel qualified to, be responsible for the well being of another human being on this earth. With every life lesson I learn and with every tear I cry, I am reminded of how happy I am that I will not have to watch my child struggle through the same things. As an only child, I also will not have the opportunity to share my understanding of the world with nieces or nephews nor will I have to watch them struggle with life decisions, heartbreak, loss, love, etc.

If I were to share knowledge with my unconceived child or my nonexistent nieces and nephews though, I feel like the list of bullet points continues to grow by the day. Slowly all of the lessons my own mom tried to teach me are making sense. 

• Don't rely on others to define yourself. 
• Be confident in who you are yet open to understanding how others portray you. 
• Don't find your identity in temporary things (your car, your job, etc) or people. Those things come and go but your passions remain. 
• Feed your hobbies and talents for without them you are boring and bored. 
• Experience everything once... Try new foods, learn about things outside of your comfort zone, open your mind to varied ways of thinking. 
• Have opinions about things, as insignificant as they may feel, and stick to them despite what others think. 
• Know the kind of person you want to be or you will become the person everyone thinks you are. 
• Make family a priority and allow them to do the same for you. 
• Welcome a variety of types of people into your life as acquaintances but understand the true definition of a friend. 
•  Remain strong enough to keep yourself whole but allow yourself to admit to being broken when needed. 
• Surround yourself with people who encourage you to be the best version of yourself possible and who are willing and able to help you in that journey. 
• Don't trust everyone but allow yourself to open up to those who have proven that they care about you as a person and not just as a source of entertainment in their lives. 
• Give others the same amount of respect that you expect to receive from them. 
• Look at each day as a gift and an adventure as opposed to a routine. 
• Say your prayers and trust that they are heard. 
• Maintain the friendships you make in high school for those are the people that you chose to be friends with for various reasons. As you get older, your friends become a result of your environment and not necessarily because they are someone you have chosen.
• Leave your comfort zone. Often.

Barefoot

Once I stopped hoping for a reconciliation and realized that not being in a relationship with you was what was best for me, the load became lighter. Things became easier to deal with when I stopped feeling sorry for myself and stopped wishing for a different outcome. This is the hand I have been dealt and I just have to smile and keep moving on with my life. Things became easier - but they didn't become easy. This is still difficult.. hard as hell... and even though I've gotten better at 'being ok', I cant pretend that I'm not still dying inside with each day that goes by. Sure, I'm better at distracting my thoughts or at conjuring up feelings of anger to replace other undesirable emotions but that doesn't mean I'm not still fighting with them internally. Having not had any contact with you for over a week has made it easier to pretend you just don't exist... not having to communicate with you allows me to just block you out. Having not had any contact with you also makes it harder - makes me realize you are choosing not to communicate with me and not have me in your life... which hurts.

Everything normal is now different. I know 'different' doesn't have to mean bad but for now it means uncomfortable and unfamiliar. I feel like I have traveled to another country where I know nothing about the language or the culture... I'm traveling the streets of a world I've never visited. Barefoot.


Flight Of The Conchords Lyrics - I'm Not Crying

So you're leaving?
I can tell because I can see you're leaving
But if you're trying to break my heart
Your plan is flawed from the start
You can't break this heart, it's liquid
It melted when I met you

And as you leave, don't turn back to me
Don't turn around to see if I'm crying
I'm not crying, not crying, not crying
I'm not crying, it's just been raining on my face
And if you think you see some tear tracks down my cheeks
Please, please don't tell my mates

I'm not crying, no, I'm not crying
And if I am crying, it's not because of you
It's because I'm thinking about a friend of mine
You don't know who is dying, that's right, dying
These aren't tears of sadness because you're leaving me
I've just been cutting onions, I'm making a lasagna for one

Oh, I'm not crying, no
There's just a little bit of dust in my eye
That's from the path that you made when you said your goodbye
I'm not weeping 'cause you won't be here to hold my hand
For your information, there's an inflammation in my tear gland

I'm not upset because you left me this way
My eyes are just a little sweaty today
They've been looking around and are searching for you
They've been looking for you even though I told them not to
These aren't tears of sadness, they're tears of joy
I'm just laughing, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

I'm sitting at this table called love
Staring down at the irony of life
How come we've reached this fork in the road
And yet it cuts like a knife?

I'm not crying
I'm not crying
I'm not crying

Draft

From day to night my feelings emerge
An uneven balance of anger and fear
They consume my being in what could only be called
A soulful and mournful whispering dirge.

With every box I pack and every memory I suppress
I win a tiny yet mighty battle
Proving to myself that I have the strength
To numb the pain during convalesce.

I've sat on the doorstep of the house of depression
And I've knocked loud enough to hear
But I'm refusing to cross over the threshold of hurt
Instead I continue my process of prayer and intercession.

There, I Still Will Be

There, I still will be.

I gave you the sun But you wanted the moon. When I gave you the moon,  You wanted the stars. So I reached blindly,  for the most infinite stars,  And wrapped myself Around each one of them,  Just for you. The stars,  the moon and the sun combined,  Weren't enough for your fickle heart. So I took my tears,  And made you a sea,  So you can sail the earth And find the impossible treasure,  You constantly seek. Yet every morning,  my sun will be there to wake you. Every night,  My moon will be there to calm you. And if you ever need me,  Look amongst the stars,  Wrapped in each one of them,  There, I still will be.

Mirtha Michelle Castro Marmol

This Is It

I finally pleaded with you yesterday to tell me what is going on.. why this is happening. You have told me you weren't in a good place mentally and that's all. So I asked.. are you depressed? Do you have an addiction? Is there someone else? You said you have always felt like you could find someone that makes you happier and someone that you have more in common with. You say there's no one else and that you have no interest in trying to repair what we had. I finally came to terms with the fact that this was over. Not because we don't get along or because I don't care about you.. but because you're never going to change. You're never going to admit to yourself that I have changed. You still to this day accuse me of not trusting you... something I prided myself on changing. You think happiness in life is just going to come natural, without requiring any work or effort.. and that's fine. You can continue living in that reality because one day it will all make sense to you.

I emailed you, telling you that I had finally 'accepted' your decision.. that, while I'm hurt and upset, I know it's not going to change and I am willing to just let you go like you want. (see "Flatline") Your response to this was:

Well that was not nice. Glad you are finally done pretending I guess. I know what I am walking away from and this is it. 

When I tried to get you to tell me what that meant.. what I was pretending about and what you thought was "not nice" you said that you took those comments back. "Never mind, I take it back" you said. 

After all this, you still try to turn things around on me and try to make me out to be the bad guy. Any other person would've told you to pack your things and be gone when you said you were moving out. No one else would've been supportive and understanding as you acted so selfishly. You are trying so hard to make yourself look like the good guy... you think that because you are still willing to help pay for the debt we accumulated together, that you are doing me a favor and I should be grateful. Guess what - it's not worth it. I only agreed to these terms because I was hopeful you would wake up and miss me and change your mind about the way you are living your life. I realize now that's not happening.. you're not going to change the way you see me.. and I'm done hoping you will. 

I asked you to get a storage locker and send me a list of furniture that you wish to take. We can come to a mutual agreement. The items that belong to you that you do not want, you are responsible for moving them, selling them, storing them.. whatever you want to do. I told you to either take the two cats to your new home or take them to the humane society. I hate that because we committed to proving a home to those cats years ago but I cant be financially responsible for two dogs and two cats. I told you that I'll be dropping you from my car insurance plan next week and asked you to call the cell phone company to relinquish my line. Yes, it's a lot to do .. but it's about darn time you have to deal with the consequences of your decision. I have been inconvenienced by your decisions every day for the past three weeks. Your turn. 

I have not tried to turn anything on you. I have made one comment which I took back. I tell you I will help you pay and be your friend but that's not what you want. I will get what I can, as fast as I can. If your decision is to leave yourself with debt we accumulated together, thats your prerogative. I have offered to find a way to make this transition a little easier.

You have offered to pay your part of the bills. For now. But you have given me no kind of timeline on how long that will last or what will happen when you stop paying. There's no point dragging this out any longer.. you obviously have no understanding of what you are putting me through. Your comments and efforts to turn things around on me have really upset me. YOU are doing this to ME.. I haven't done anything to you but try to be supportive.. and you still try to find a way to make be out to be the bad guy. I guess if you are just going to assume the worst of me, I may as well show you the worst of me. You said "this" is what you are walking away from.. but let me tell you.. "this" was someone who wanted to fight for you instead of just watching you walk away. "This" was someone who loved you enough to put themselves out there and who was willing to be patient and supportive. Remind yourself that "this" is what you walked away from in the future when you open your eyes and see the light of the real world.

Flatline

Outbox, Sent

When I think about all the little things I went out of my way to do for you, to make you happy... like taking days off work and hiring a stranger to fix the outlet bc I knew how bad you wanted it to work.. Or stuffing a towel under my bathroom door every morning so the light didn't wake you up... Or silly little things like buying your favorite color poweraid so you would have it after frisbee or making your favorite cake with extra sprinkles... I can't make you want to share your life with me and I can't make you live your life a certain way but I can assure you that you will not find someone that wanted to make you happy more than I did. Until you allow yourself to be happy though, I've realize all of my efforts are wasted. I hate myself for investing so much time and energy into someone who didn't appreciate it or doesn't know how to accept it. More than anything I'm embarrassed that I care so much about someone who finds it so easy to walk away, not once but twice. A life where you only have to care about yourself and your actions isn't reality. Avoiding decisions and discussions isn't reality. Expecting life and relationships to just "work" without effort isn't reality. Every day when you're choosing what you want to think about and deal with or what you want to ignore, I'm parking my car in our garage, next to our bikes and standing in the room we remodeled, on the floors we laid, looking at the marks on the wall caused by the tennis ball you threw up our stairs with our dogs and sleeping in our bed that we picked out. I don't get to escape it and pretend it's not happening. So when you think I'm crazy, just remember I'm surrounded by the memories of what I wanted to be love forever. I hope that you find whatever version of happiness you are looking for and I hope you one day can appreciate the parts of me I fully gave to you... Parts that I can never get back and never would have shared had I known you would not be my husband. I hope one day you realize I'm not an insane person that's refusing to let go... I'm just someone who has lost the person that means the most to them and that feels like they failed at making that person feel loved. It doesn't seem like you understand that at all... Not because you're choosing to leave but because you have handled it such a way that feels selfish and disconnected. One day you are telling me how bad you want me to go to Rhode Island with you and a week later you are moving out. I don't think you really know what you want but you've made it clear that it's not me. I told you in the beginning I wasn't going to try to convince you to change your mind, yet I did. For some reason I thought of you as someone who was lost and broken and not thinking straight or making sound decisions.. Someone that was impaired by their life. I guess that made it easier for me to justify it.. To make myself feel like less of a failure.. But I realize now that's not the case. You are making these decisions and you are thinking them through and this is what you want. I don't need to "fix" you or help you. And I don't need to wait on you. I've finally realized all of this and am ready to let go. 

Morning Song

After several days of not hearing from you, I receive a text message with a link to this song. No comment, no explanation, nothing. 

Hurt so bad

You don't come around here anymore

Worse than that

Nothing's really helping I've been thinking 

'bout drinking again

It's alright 

If you finally stop caring 

Just don't go and tell someone that does

Cause even though I know there's hope in

Every morning song

I have to find that melody alone

Her name became

The flame unto the fire

A magpie on the wire warned of those

Dead until the high

Shamelessly alive until the low. 

It's alright 

If you finally stop caring 

Just don't go and tell someone that does

Cause even though I know there's hope in

Every morning song

I have to find that melody alone

But we can go ahead

If no one notices

What's the point of it?

I have to ask

How you learn to see

Hope inside of me

When you're sure to be

On leave at last

Hurt so bad

More than I expected that it would

Worse than that 

It seems to be lasting just a little 

Longer than it should

It's alright 

If you finally stop caring 

Just don't go and tell someone that does

Cause even though I know there's hope in

Every morning song

I have to find that melody alone

I have to find that melody alone

I have to find that melody alone

I have to find that melody alone

I'm Only Human

"Human"
Christina Perri

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
'Til I've had enough

'Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

Who Am I Kidding?

The original plan was to give you two months.. two months to 'figure things out'.. two months before I officially asked you to reconsider. Who am I kidding? You're not going to change and you're definitely not going to change your mind. There's no point in me holding on to hope, wishing for a fair chance or making you feel bad for your decision. We had a second chance and we did it wrong. Just please don't let the process of leaving for good take forever. I'm ready for this all to be over and you to be out of my life.

Perhaps There Are...

When I left the state to visit my best friend (so I wouldn't have to watch you move out...) we engaged in texts. You explained that you valued her opinion because over all the years, she never chose sides and usually spoke her opinion without worry what others thought. We've known her for years and she's always been insightful. You said you would be interested in hearing her take on our situation and on your 'issues' because you felt whatever she said would probably be right. I read this message to her and suggested that one day, in the future, she tell us her thoughts. I never mentioned it to her again after I returned home and didn't think she took me seriously. 

Until last night. Randomly, I received an extremely long text message that told a story of a boy dealing with a long term lingering pain that manifested into something unbearable. The pain was initiated by an experience so minor one would never had suspected it would have long term affects. The inability to shake the pain or understand it began to affect daily life and relationships and the options available to "fix" it seemed pointless. Eventually the boy agreed to seek help, despite his feelings about it, and found himself healed in such a way that he could enjoy things in life that he was never able to before.

She worded it in such a way that made it relatable and not an attack or attempt at shaming. There are intentional similarities drawn from your life and references to real issues you have dealt with. She wrote it in such a way that proves she really understands and cares. I don't think you are ready to understand this yet - I'm not even sure you will see all the connections that are attempted. I do think this is a perfect way to explain what's happening in your life right now and how it's preventing you from seeing the good. If nothing else, I love her for writing this because it shows me that someone believes me, even when it feels like I'm alone in my views. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

A young child, his mother and older brother get in a minor car accident after his mom picks them up from school. No one was injured, everyone was wearing seat-belts and the car just had a dent and busted headlight. A few tears were shed, for a child this was a a pretty scary thing. But nonetheless everyone is ok. The young child grew up just like any other kid would. He played sports with friends and even joined the marching band. One day while marching he felt a little pain in his leg, nothing major - not enough pain to keep from marching and chasing pretty girls anyway. Maybe just growing pains... Everyone gets those, right? Fast forward a few years and one of those pretty girls he had been chasing decides it would be fun to stop running and sit together on a couch that they both own, and hey, why not get a kitten too! They had lots of fun on that couch, sometimes the pretty girl would tickle her boy to make him laugh and squirm and he would know how much she loved him. But the squirming hurt his leg more than the marching and so sometimes he would play along and sometimes he would pull away, sometimes he would snap.  Pretty little girl didn't understand. And the misunderstanding went on for 5 or so more years. Except the pain had gotten worse and the misunderstanding had grown to hurt and anger. Now he was limping and his back would spasm too. Maybe a Tylenol would help? Nope. What if he took one every day? Nope.  What about twice a day? 3 times? Maybe it would help for a while. But his leg would eventually hurt again and again. People suggested therapy... But it's expensive and time consuming and couldn't he just do those exercises at home? He decided to try it out. They had him do all sorts of stretches and maneuvers he'd never thought of or thought that his leg could bend that way. (Then he realized that maybe all that physical therapy education actually taught them something). After a couple of months he would go all day without limping, and after a year he didn't feel the pain at all. The doctor asked if he had been in a car accident as a child. He could barely remember. How could something so insignificant and barely rememberable affect every step, every twist, every tickle. By this point he was excited to get home to pretty little girl. He craved her tickles and even took up hiking, he would have never before done something like that (it was hot, and there were mosquitos - or were these all just excuses because his leg hurt so bad?).

What if as a young boy it wasn't a minor car accident? What if his dad made him cry instead? What if his mom was sad and he was powerless? What if his mom got sick? Which part of his body would ache? What kind of marching would make him limp? What kind of tickling would make him pull away? What kind of Tylenol would he take? How many would fix it? What kind of therapy could exercise that part? Are there people educated to fix this type of limp? 

perhaps there are... 

perhaps there are...