I'm Only Human

"Human"
Christina Perri

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
'Til I've had enough

'Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

Who Am I Kidding?

The original plan was to give you two months.. two months to 'figure things out'.. two months before I officially asked you to reconsider. Who am I kidding? You're not going to change and you're definitely not going to change your mind. There's no point in me holding on to hope, wishing for a fair chance or making you feel bad for your decision. We had a second chance and we did it wrong. Just please don't let the process of leaving for good take forever. I'm ready for this all to be over and you to be out of my life.

Perhaps There Are...

When I left the state to visit my best friend (so I wouldn't have to watch you move out...) we engaged in texts. You explained that you valued her opinion because over all the years, she never chose sides and usually spoke her opinion without worry what others thought. We've known her for years and she's always been insightful. You said you would be interested in hearing her take on our situation and on your 'issues' because you felt whatever she said would probably be right. I read this message to her and suggested that one day, in the future, she tell us her thoughts. I never mentioned it to her again after I returned home and didn't think she took me seriously. 

Until last night. Randomly, I received an extremely long text message that told a story of a boy dealing with a long term lingering pain that manifested into something unbearable. The pain was initiated by an experience so minor one would never had suspected it would have long term affects. The inability to shake the pain or understand it began to affect daily life and relationships and the options available to "fix" it seemed pointless. Eventually the boy agreed to seek help, despite his feelings about it, and found himself healed in such a way that he could enjoy things in life that he was never able to before.

She worded it in such a way that made it relatable and not an attack or attempt at shaming. There are intentional similarities drawn from your life and references to real issues you have dealt with. She wrote it in such a way that proves she really understands and cares. I don't think you are ready to understand this yet - I'm not even sure you will see all the connections that are attempted. I do think this is a perfect way to explain what's happening in your life right now and how it's preventing you from seeing the good. If nothing else, I love her for writing this because it shows me that someone believes me, even when it feels like I'm alone in my views. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

A young child, his mother and older brother get in a minor car accident after his mom picks them up from school. No one was injured, everyone was wearing seat-belts and the car just had a dent and busted headlight. A few tears were shed, for a child this was a a pretty scary thing. But nonetheless everyone is ok. The young child grew up just like any other kid would. He played sports with friends and even joined the marching band. One day while marching he felt a little pain in his leg, nothing major - not enough pain to keep from marching and chasing pretty girls anyway. Maybe just growing pains... Everyone gets those, right? Fast forward a few years and one of those pretty girls he had been chasing decides it would be fun to stop running and sit together on a couch that they both own, and hey, why not get a kitten too! They had lots of fun on that couch, sometimes the pretty girl would tickle her boy to make him laugh and squirm and he would know how much she loved him. But the squirming hurt his leg more than the marching and so sometimes he would play along and sometimes he would pull away, sometimes he would snap.  Pretty little girl didn't understand. And the misunderstanding went on for 5 or so more years. Except the pain had gotten worse and the misunderstanding had grown to hurt and anger. Now he was limping and his back would spasm too. Maybe a Tylenol would help? Nope. What if he took one every day? Nope.  What about twice a day? 3 times? Maybe it would help for a while. But his leg would eventually hurt again and again. People suggested therapy... But it's expensive and time consuming and couldn't he just do those exercises at home? He decided to try it out. They had him do all sorts of stretches and maneuvers he'd never thought of or thought that his leg could bend that way. (Then he realized that maybe all that physical therapy education actually taught them something). After a couple of months he would go all day without limping, and after a year he didn't feel the pain at all. The doctor asked if he had been in a car accident as a child. He could barely remember. How could something so insignificant and barely rememberable affect every step, every twist, every tickle. By this point he was excited to get home to pretty little girl. He craved her tickles and even took up hiking, he would have never before done something like that (it was hot, and there were mosquitos - or were these all just excuses because his leg hurt so bad?).

What if as a young boy it wasn't a minor car accident? What if his dad made him cry instead? What if his mom was sad and he was powerless? What if his mom got sick? Which part of his body would ache? What kind of marching would make him limp? What kind of tickling would make him pull away? What kind of Tylenol would he take? How many would fix it? What kind of therapy could exercise that part? Are there people educated to fix this type of limp? 

perhaps there are... 

perhaps there are...

In Your Head

I thought you would still love me when I felt like a failure or was under the covers crying. 

I thought you would still love me when my mind was filled with darkness and anger. 

I thought you would still love me when I told you I was fine but you knew I was lying. 

I thought you would still love me when I wasn't able to love myself. What I didn't realize is that all the while, you didn't love yourself. 

Now, instead of hurting yourself the way you used to, you are hurting me instead.

I thought you would still love me enough to fight for us. 

I still love you despite the walls you build.

Don't you hate not ever saying how you really feel? 

Everything you are running away from is in your head. 

You don't need me now and it kills me. 

You used to need me.

You used me.

Words sting but silence is what breaks the ♥.

The first time it was me, this time it's you. Can we not both be healthy at the same time? Are we each other's poison? Once we talked about our issues we found a resolution. If you'd give that a chance, there'd either be a beginning or an end. At that time, I'd have to be ok with either because I would know we had exhausted our efforts.

But I'm Not

"Dont think for a second this isnt hurting me too."

I have trouble with this statement. I understand you are doing what you think is best for you, and I know at some point in life we all need to be a little selfish, but do you really believe this is what's best? You are waking up in a nice clean house, with no pets and no responsibility other than caring for yourself. You get to go to work and go 'home' to do whatever you want - what a life! 

Meanwhile.. I'm pulling into the garage of our home and parking the car next to our bikes and being greeted by our attention starved dogs. I walk past the shrubs we planted six years ago and notice how large they've grown over the years. I see the Christmas lights still in bushes on the front porch.. the lights that you surprised me and used to decorate with one day when I wasn't home. You were so proud of yourself and we loved standing at the end of the driveway admiring the twinkling. Once I'm inside, I walk across the floor that we put our blood, sweat and tears into during the installation. I see the spot where a wall once was... a wall we decided to tear down to brighten up our home and allow for an open concept like you loved. It seems like just yesterday we were meeting with contractors and eating dinner in the bedroom upstairs because of the mess of the construction zone. Sometimes I stand there and just remember how different the room used to look before we chose to do that. Once I make it past that point, I have to step over the hardwood floors in the entry that you decided to start tearing up but never finished. I'm reminded of all the times we went to Lowes and looked at future flooring options, unable to decide what would work best for our home. As I start up the stairs, I instantly hear laughter as I see the tennis ball stains on the wall above the closet door at the top of the landing. You used to stand at the bottom of the steps and bounce the ball off the wall at the top of the steps. The dogs tripped over each other and clamored up and down the steps, trying to catch the ball before it made it's way back to you. This was our "rainy day" activity that both allowed the dogs to release some energy and gave us some of the greatest belly laughs. That little area of that little wall is enough to bring me to tears each time. From the new furniture we just bought two months ago, to the layout that replicates the hotel room you fell in love with in Atlanta, the bedroom is an entire swarm of memories all alone. We spent an entire day, driving around town, searching for a headboard that suited what you had in your mind. We built bookcases, picked out accessories, and spent hours trying to fit furniture in and out of the bedroom door. You took the door off the hinges to help the process.. the door is still leaning against the wall, unhung. We stacked all of the extra furniture in the office which meant hours worth of attempts to fitting things in and out of that door as well. The efforts are obvious by the scratches and dings and dents on the walls and doors... battle scars that tell the story. The upstairs front porch now sits empty. You often carried our mattress and bedding out to the porch and went through the trouble to plug up lamps and phone chargers and fans, all so that we could sleep outside and listen to the rain or enjoy the cool weather. I thought this was a terrible idea the first time you surprised me with it, but it later became one of my favorite things. The backyard was such a major project of ours and we felt such a sense of pride. When we moved in there were no trees, no grass, no fence and no patio area. Now the trees are mature, the sod that we planted years ago has covered the whole yard in a sea of grass and the fence became your favorite spot to hang potted plants. Oh, those plants. You used to get so excited when the weather got nice because that meant you could buy plants. You would learn the 'personality' of each pot.. "This little guy likes to be in the shade in the morning!" you would say, and you would rotate the hanging pots to different parts of the yard. Every morning I would see you standing in the wet grass, with the water hose stretched across the yard, as you gave each plant a deep soaking. Then you would let Tonka chase the water stream around in circles... his favorite thing! The tiny azalea that we planted in the corner has blossomed into a big bush full of pink flowers. Sitting by it is the bench that we picked out and that I later broke as we tried to look over the fence to see our neighbor's giant pet tortoise. I remember you laughing like crazy as it buckled under my weight and told me that's what I got for being nosey. The fence we had installed is now leaning and warped but every board reminds me of times you accidentally threw the ball over it and built contraptions to help you reach it. Every year we throw our Christmas tree over that fence and one time when we set up our tent and camped in the back yard, we hung all our lights on that fence. We laid the patio, one paver block at a time, and purchased furniture and decorative items to make it the outdoor oasis we wanted it to be. For years I longed for a metal star.. something I could hang and admire. You found one during a trip to Real Deals a few years ago and found a perfect spot for it on the back patio. That star still hangs there, mocking me. 

"Dont think for a second this isnt hurting me too."

Really? Because you made this choice. You are removed from the situation.. you get to think about and deal with whatever you want. You get to ignore what you don't want to think about or deal with. I'm surrounded and I'm bombarded with it.  It's slowly eating away at me. I should be strong enough to look past it all and I should be wise enough to know it's better this way. But I'm not.

Tennis Ball Marks

Playground

I'm sitting on the playground that we so often used to visit. Acting like children ourselves we swang and slid down the slides. We would laugh when the static would shock us or when we would lose our footing. At night when we wanted to escape the confines of the house we would walk to the playground and just enjoy each other's company. I fell deeper in love with you during one of those visits. When we babysat my god daughter, you brought her to this playground and helped her climb the steps. You held her hand as she walked across the bridge and lifted her onto the monkey bars. When she rode her bike down the hill and scraped her knee on the playground's concrete, you picked her up and dusted her off. We often brought the dogs to this playground to allow them to run free. I have pictures of you racing them down the slide. During the snow storms we came to this playground and built snowmen and angels. You taught me to throw a frisbee in the field that this playground sits adjacent to.

This playground holds a lot of memories. Those memories feel like love. Love feels like a lie.

My Moment

Some days I am angry beyond belief. Other days I am consumed with sadness. This often changes by the minute or the hour as opposed to entire lumps of 24 hour increments. I don't expect anyone to understand. How can I long to be with someone that has told me they don't want to be with me? It doesn't make sense to me either. When I think about the past 12 years and all the memories, it doesn't make sense that we wouldn't be together. Maybe I'm holding on to all the wrong things and grasping false impressions. Maybe it really was all a ruse; a wily subterfuge. It's difficult to look around the house, to see 2,000 square feet of space filled with "us", and believe there was never really an us. You say you wanted me to be your wife - you wanted me in your life. Did things really change or did your tolerance for deception just change? It seems so logical to me - you're not in a happy place mentally. You cant appreciate the good in your life because your brain is clouded. It feels like I should be able to shake you and show you and make you see. I dream of a day that you wake up and realize what you have done with your life. I'm also scared of that day because I'm scared of the day your mind puts the blame on me and your brain tells you I'm the reason you're unhappy. I don't want you to look back over your life and think that I caused you to miss out on the best years of your life. I know I'm not the reason.. but I don't want you believing that I am or telling others.

We have joint bills and a joint house and everything that we own was purchased and chosen jointly. How do we just go separate ways? I don't want to be stuck with a house full of furniture that I don't want or need. I don't want to be stuck buying cat/dog food and paying for vet bills and boarding expenses by myself. I don't want to have restrictions on where I can and can't live because I have cats and dogs; our cats and dogs. I cant afford to maintain a three bedroom house and a yard. What about the holiday decorations and the tools and the camping gear.. what about the 'stuff'? Am I responsible for storing it and selling it since I'm the one on the mortgage? It's still 'our' house.. not my house. It's still 'our' stuff... not my stuff. I don't want to be screwed over just because you stopped loving me... that's enough of a "screw you" to begin with. You are still contributing financially, which I agree is only fair at this point... but for how long? And then what? And then what do I do or where do I go? This is my moment to freak out.. to lose control.. to worry about the things I'm refusing to let myself worry about in my daily life.  

And this is my moment to pull myself back together and realize that I'm not in control of this moment. I'm not in control of my life. My worries are not going to solve anything. This is my moment to breathe and let go and just be. 
~~~~~
Sam Smith - Lay Me Down

And it's hard, the days just seem so dark
The moon, and the stars, are nothing without you
Your touch, your skin, where do I begin?
No words can explain, the way I'm missing you
The night, this emptiness, this hole that I'm inside
These tears, they tell their own story.

You told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling's overwhelming, they're much too strong.
Can I lay by your side, next to you, you
And make sure you're alright.
I'll make sure you're alright
I'll take care of you,
And I dont want to be here if I cant be with you tonight.

I'm reaching out to you
Can you hear my call? (Who's to say you wont hear me?)
This hurt that I've been through
I'm missing you, missing you like crazy

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

Sleep is supposed to be an escape from the world but my dreams are muddied by you. Last night, however, it's as if my brain finally caught on to the ways of the world and slowly pushed you to the side.

In my dream, I went off to explore an old ancient law office (you're old news and you live with a lawyer..) but I left my cellphone in the car. When I returned, I had a text message from you that said "I tried to call you several times." I recall looking at my call log and finding no missed calls but I was scared to say this in fear of being accused of calling you a liar. (always the case...) I responded to your message and said that I had left my phone in my car. Then I received 8 text messages from you back to back (8 is my favorite number) that said "Amber a bitch." (perhaps a nod at your tendency for typos in text messages)

And I woke up. Angry yet also relieved. Finally a dream where we weren't happily in love. Finally a feeling that my brain is allowing me to disconnect, slowly and in tiny movements.

~~~~
A dear friend shared a song with me last night that they thought I could relate to emotionally. I loved it and I think you would too.

Sam Smith - Stay With Me

Oh, won't you stay with me?
Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me
Why am I so emotional?
No it's not a good look, gain some self control
And deep down I know this never works
But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt

Bite Marks

I have permanent bite marks on my tongue from all the things I never said. My ears are accustomed to silence and my emotions have learned to stay hidden in the depths. Everything I said was an accusation.. every question an interrogation. I begged for compliments I never received and cried over connections we would never share. I learned to accept things others considered unacceptable. I found comfort in things others found uncomfortable.

I was never denied time or attention... I never had to long for memorable moments together. If anything, there were too many experiences together.. so much so that the thought of sharing moments with another feels detrimental to my well being. At any given time we were known to be 'out'.. traveling, enjoying outside, exploring new paths. You embraced the traditions and oddities of my family without judgment and welcomed me into the minimal existence of yours.

How could so much have been so right so often while so much was so wrong?

I feel we were meant to be but we did it wrong. Sometimes though I have to forget what I feel and remember what I deserve. It doesn't seem conceivable that I will find someone that suits me in all the ways you do. I feel like I've molded you to be what I want, in all the ways I possibly could. The thought of starting over, finding someone that checks my superficial boxes and conforms to my existing mold, seems not worth the investment of effort. I'm sure my view of this will change eventually and perhaps I will be excited to waste my time again, but for now it doesn't make sense.

I want to say I give up and believe it. I want to say I deserve better and mean it. I want to say I'm moving on and do it. But despite all your acts and all the facts, I'm still in love with who I wish you were. The ease with which you walked into my life was the same as the ease with which you walked out. Eventually you will realize I'm worth it or I'll realize you're not. Taking bets.

DING!

The snap of the rubber band stings my wrist but serves as a reminder. I cant let my thoughts wrap themselves around you. I'm surrounded by you daily - our house, our things, our pets - but I cant allow my brain to remember what was. You made a fool of me and the pain from that will last much longer than the welts I'm creating.

Just when I finally make your name move out of sight, move down to the bottom of my inbox, "DING!".. there you are. Slowly seeping back in to my consciousness. I want you in my life, as the one I love, but I cant have that. I dont know if I can handle having you in my life in any other form because while the titles may have changed overnight, the feelings I have didn't. Sure- it's comforting to know that if I'm drowning you will save me (so long as it's convienient for the 'good guy' image you are trying to portray) but for so long you were the one that sunk me. Maybe it's not good for me to use that life vest anymore... I need to learn to be a better swimmer. 

So while your attempt at still being my friend/brother/former roomate or whatver you want to tell yourself it was is enough to still make me smile, it's also enough to make me hate myself for shaping my mouth in such way. I'm not ready to not hate you yet. I'm not sure I ever will be. I dont want a friend in life that expects the worst of me at every turn. Perhaps I dont want someone in my life that knows me in all the ways you know me because it prevents me from being someone else. Maybe I'm tired of having guilt sprinkled over me like the ashes of the love we had. 

Thank you for texting me yesterday. It was just what I needed and didn't need.

One Day I'll be Ok - Just Not Today

This will be a hard one to write. This is forcing me to deal with your words and come to terms with the real situation. By doing this, I will have it documented so that I can be reminded of it when I am in moments of weakness. 

A series of messages... 

"I miss you. Just want you to know. That's all."

"Awwww ok. Dont be sad, ok?"

"But I am sad. I didn't sign up to do this by myself; made commitments to you that I thought were forever. I'll adapt."

"I'm not an abandoner. You know that. I will help you. Like when you called me in the stadium the other day. I will be there for you, quickly, no matter what."

"But you're not going to be taking naps with me on the porch or watching the hummingbirds with me or calling me silly nicknames. That's the part of you I want. Emotionally you did abandon me because you didn't try. You admitted that. I'm not trying to guilt trip you. I just feel like you ran out and I don't know why and I feel like I changes so much of me to make you happy. All for nothing."

"I understand. Dont think for a second this isnt hurting me too. I know you dont understand but I need this right now. I dont want to hurt you but where I was mentally was not productive to us. I'm so sorry."

"I do understand that. And that's why it's killing me that you wont let me be there for you. You dont have to be alone to get right. I care too much to not be able to support you."

"That's a hell of a guilt trip after saying that's not what you're trying to do. I but understand. I deserve it. I own it. I can live with myself thought because I know this is right. Thank you. But I got this. Trust me."

"I do. But just know I'm here in whatever capacity you need."

"I know. I'm here for you too. What been nice this week is me having to look in the mirror every morning and worry about me and me alone. Not your mood or how I am effecting you but just me. My decisions and my consequences."

"Thank you for finally acknowledging that you know you've hurt me and that you're sorry. I really thought you didnt know or care. The problem is, it's not just your consequences. You're punishing me and shutting me out. If you had talked to me about it I couldve given you space mentally and emotionally."

"I am so sorry. You have no idea. I was literally crying as I typed my text to you earlier. But at the same time, I need to do this alone. As much as we have been thru together I need to see for myself if Brandon by himself is better than Brandon with someone. It's really that simple. You and I were nothing more than roommates with a lot of good times together. I need to do this."

"I support you and what you think is best. But I dont like it because at the end of the day, I want to hug you goodnight and tell you everything is going to be ok like you've done for me so many times."

"I understand because you are a good friend. You and I were perfect best friends but when we started a relationship things changed. I was your first and you were mine so things got complicated quickly."

"You can tell yourself that if you want because it makes it easier but that's not true. I feel that way about you because I love you, not because I'm a good friend. I knew things were going on in your life. I wish you had talked to me before it got to this point for you. You really think you never loved me? You were just my friend?"

"I love you to this day. As a sister. I would do anything for you. You know this. My mom considers you family and so do I. It's actually more of a connection than a girlfriend just fyi."

"That's a hard truth to swallow. I wanted you to be my husband. Not my brother. I wish I had know this 12 years ago.. we couldve been friends and I couldve found someone to share my life with."

"You sure do know how to make someone feel bad."

"You basically just told me I've wasted my life from 18-30. I dont want a brother. I should be married and happy. And you should too. You wasted your own life too."

"Well if being with husband and baby at 18 was your goal then I am sorry you are an idiot. If having a good time throughout your life was your goal then that's what I tried to provide. I'm done with this conversation. To tell someone they've wasted 12 years of your life is ridiculous. I hope you find a husband quickly and have a kid if that's what means the most to you."

"I never mentioned a baby. You know I dont want that. And I did want great times and memories but not under false pretenses. You basically told me that for the past 12 years when I thought we were going to get married and be together forever that you never felt that way. That's why I feel like I wasted my life and I was fooled. I feel like I'd rather just die then face that truth... That I misunderstood the last 12 years of my life. That's embarrassing. I'm sorry you felt that way and felt like you couldnt share it."

"Obviously you've been drinking so I wont argue with you tonight. Tomorrow read thru our texts and you will see you have taken your own thought and run with it."

"I have read through our messages and I interpreted it as saying we were best friends but you never intended on 'forever' with me which is what I expected. You came back to me and things were better than ever and I had such hope for the future. But now you say you think of me as your sister and nothing more. So I was under false pretenses thinking that you loved me the way I love you. I tried to be the type of wife you would want so to you we may have just been roommates but to me I had so many more expectations."

"I never said I thought of you as a sister the ENTIRE TIME we were together. Thats some stuff you made up yourself."

"You said we started out as best friends and the relationship changed everything. The only reason you feel that way is because you dont want to admit that you need or want someone in your life. You resent me because I'm trying to be a part of your life when you dont want me to be. I feel like one day you will miss all of the little things like me bringing you a glass of water when you're doing yard work or me giving you an extra blanket at night when you are cold. Those aren't things a sister does. I would literally give my life to protect you and save you from going through anything negative. I dont think you understand just how much I care about you as a person."

"Yes, we weren't best friends. We were in love. I thought you were going to be my wife as well. That's why we aren't good together. Your mind and my mind are always on separate pages. I never said I thought of you as a sister for our entire relationship."

"The fact that we are on separate pages doesnt mean that we arent good together. It just means we dont communicate the same way and that's why I feel like we haven't tried everything possible. You spent so long refusing to communicate with me that it makes it difficult for me to understand where you are coming from and I just have to try to guess what you mean. That's why I pushed for counseling just to have a mediator there to help us understand each other. Half the time we are saying the same thing but we are misunderstanding each other."

At this point, I was overly emotional and sent several long messages that weren't acknowledged....

"I guess I'm happy to know that at one time you thought I'd be your wife. But Im sad because thats still what I wanted more than anything. And I feel like my efforts were wasted. You have to worry about you, I get it. And you feel like that requires shutting me out. I just hope you let someone be there for you, even if it's not me. We all need support."

"Yes I was uncomfortable with you talking to your ex and with your drinking but other than that I molded myself to be who you wanted. I loved all the little things about you that everyone else thought was weird. There were so many moments that I felt I proved to you I loved you no matter what. No matter how you felt about yourself or what you were going through. Even now my brain only wants to think about the good moments and not the bad. You feel like you "got this" and dont need anyone.. and shutting me out and running from your commitments is your way of proving to yourself that you're ok. Eventually you have to understand that emotions arent a weakness and letting someone in isn't a sign of defeat. You used to be so scared of turning into your dad; being emotionally cut off and dying alone. I fear that's subconsciously what you are doing now and it scares me. Ultimately you know whats best for you and you know how you want to live your life. I just hope you are thinking about all the good you have created in your life and not just focusing on the bad that has crept in."

The next day I apologized for bombarding you and explained I was embarrassed about that way I'm handling things. I still had more to say though.

 "What I dont understand is that you aren't always going to be alone. Eventually you will be in another relationship where you affect the other person and have to think about them. So in addition to helping yourself, why not go through the steps to learn how to copy and handle that healthily instead of isolating yourself which will make it even more difficult to learn to share a life with someone again in the future?"

"I'm sure everyone in the world would prefer to only worry about themselves in life. But it doesnt work that way. They can just walk out on their families because they want to just be accountable for themselves. You have to learn a goof balance between caring about yourself and others, not too much of one."

"My final question for you in all of this is what did you come back? If you felt we were nothing more than roommates for so long and you loved me like a sister, why did you come back into my life again? I feel like that decision proves that you thought more of me and that you wanted me in your life... feelings you cant even remember now that your head is clouded."

"Amber please. Too many words. Just relax and be happy. Really long text messages arent going to fix this..."

"Please dont tell me to be happy. The next several months of my life are completely uncertain and scary. There's nothing to be happy about. But I will stop pressuring you to talk/think. "

"We are good. I know my choices affect you and it cant be easy. I really feel badly about how this is happening. If I were in your position I would probably be very angry. I'm sorry."

"I'm just glad you are finally dealing with things. Ive wanted that for you for a long time. I hate it means hurting me but I'm glad it means helping you. I am angry but I know one day I will be able to forgive you. I still feel like it's a choice, a choice to hurt me. But what's done is done and I have to trust that you know what's best."

"Ouch."

"A choice because you couldve chosen to work through things months or years ago instead of internalizing it. A choice because we could have gone to counseling. A choice because you came back to me knowing how you felt. A choice because you made future plans with me just weeks before choosing to leave. That's what I mean by it being a choice."

And now I feel like, while I have embarrassed myself by saying too much, I have finally said everything I want/need to. I dont understand things any more than I did.. I dont have a clear picture of what's going on.. but what's obvious is that you dont want me in your life right now and probably not in the future. So I'm giving up. I'm so tired of crying and I'm tired of feeling guilty. You make it sound like I'm the reason you're so unhappy with life... like you're miserable because you were miserable with me. You made the choice to be with me - I'm not responsible for that decision. I cant live with that guilt and I cant live with this constant feeling of not being good enough. I have to embrace the idea that this isnt because of me and just let go. I'll take whatever struggles that come my way, knowing that in the end I'll be stronger albeit jaded. You've ruined love for me - a word I only believed in because of you. One day I know I will be ok and I will understand why. One day.

Do you remember?

Do you remember that time I was house sitting for a family my senior year of high school and I was living there alone? There was a thunderstorm in the area and even though you were at a Braves game, you called me because you knew I was scared of storms. I tried to pretend to be tough but you wanted to keep talking to me to make sure I was ok. The next thing I knew, there was a knock at the door. You had left the game early and raced home to comfort me, all the while staying on the phone with me so you could surprise me. We made popcorn and curled up on the couch listening to music to help hide the sound of the thunder crashing.

Do you remember that? I do. 

Cruise Feb. 2008

For some reason this post remained a "Draft" on my account for the past 5 years... I just noticed it today and thought it deserved to be more than a draft.
_________
(written February 2009)

For the past two years, Brandon and I have taken a cruise in the month of February. We enjoy going during a time when not a lot of people are there and the prices are a little lower!

Last year we left from Mobile, AL and traveled on the Carnival Holiday. Even though I took a cruise when I was younger, this was basically both of our first times. We were SO excited the whole way driving down there but Brandon was super nervous. He wasn't sure what to expect but was looking forward to it. We stopped and spent the night on the way down, but neither of us slept a wink I don't think. The next morning we drove the rest of the way down but were a little too early; you cant board the boat until they start letting you in the parking lot. To waste time, we wandered around downtown Mobile and practically witnessed a bank robbery! That was exciting...

View of Mobile from cruise ship

As we approached the loading area, we were AMAZED at how large the boat was. This is actually Carnival's smallest boat and is going to be retired soon but it was still much bigger than either of us ever expected! Once we loaded the boat and wandered around, we took in the sites of the area before we set out to sea. The dock was
in an industrial area but it was still nice to look around.

Being on board a cruise ship was so much different than I remembered and so much more than Brandon ever imagined! The first thing we did was EAT...and that's pretty much what we did the whole 5 nights!! There is food available 24 hours a day- and boy did we take advantage! We didn't participate in the "formal" dining experience each night because we were placed at a table of eight; 4 couples. We did have a really nice waiter who even performed for us one night. We tired it for a night or two but realized it just wasn't for us...so we dined in the less formal 'buffet' type area that had a lot of varying options.

Our first stop was Cozumel, Mexico. There were several other boats at the dock at the same time as us, so we had to 'tender'. This meant they sent little boats out to our big boat...we loaded on and they drove us to shore. We had to go in groups but it didn't take very long. The skies started out a little overcast but it turned out to be a beautiful day!

Since this was our first time and we weren't sure what to expect, we booked a Mini Jeep shore excursion directly thru Carnival. What a great idea! We were picked up right after getting off the boat and driven to the Jeep (really, a Rhino) rental place. Here they taught us how to drive and then we set out in a line. Brandon drove (of course) so I got to take in all the beautiful sights. We drove our mini jeeps to a secluded beach area on the other side of the island and visited some old ruins and an alligator-infested area. Then we headed to a lighthouse at the edge of the island where we had lunch and took tons of pictures. (none of which I seem to have scanned right now..I'll have to add those later!)

After that we drove our little mini-jeep all the way back to the other side of the island and stopped at a resort. This was the starting point for our snorkeling lesson! We changed into our gear, learned how to breath thru the snorkel mask..and then crossed the street into the ocean! They had roped off an area for us to learn so we followed our guide and did our best. Brandon was pretty good- I was not. The waves were kinda rough which made it very hard to swim against the current..and I'm not the best swimmer in the world. Towards the end I had kinda gotten the hang of it but was exhausted! We went back to the resort where we were able to shower and swim in a pretty pool. Then we headed back to the downtown area where we were able to do some shopping, eat, and take in the sights before it was time to load back on the boat. The horses wore sombreros ..How cute is that?!

The next day we docked in Calica, Mexico..also known as The Middle of Nowhere! The dock is in an industrial area so there are no pretty sights to see until you catch a ride out of there! For this adventure, we had booked with an outside tour company that we read about online. They had a van waiting for us right when we got off the boat. There was also an older couple that was using the same company and rode with us back to the office. We were supposed to have our own tour guide but the older couple, Sally and Bill (I think..), had all of the same plans we did. They seemed pretty cool so we decided to just go together.

Barracuda

This was the BEST day ever! We went to an underground cave where we learned to snorkel. Our tour guide was young and he was very patient with all of us. There are all kinds of rivers and such that flow under the roads in Calica (near Playa del Carmen) and this was a prime example. I was much better at using the snorkel this time and the place was beautiful!! The water was really cold at first, and since we were underground, it was very dark. We had little flashlights that did a great job of lighting our way. Once we got into the 'cave' part underground, we saw the beautiful rock formations and there were some very interesting fish. There was no hurry...we had all day to float around, swim in and out of little tunnels and stuff...it was perfect!

After we left the cave we stopped to see a monkey!! This is the part I was most excited about! Some people on the property had a 'pet' monkey. He was on a leash but you could feed him and hold him- too bad he didn't like females! The monkey loved Brandon but didn't want anything to do with me! I was still happy I finally had a chance to actually hold and touch one though- life goal fulfilled!

The next adventure was to swim with sea turtles. We went to a private beach area where our guide led us out to an area in the ocean that was filled with sea turtles. While we couldn't touch them, we swam side-by-side with them and all kinds of other fish. By this time, we had all gotten pretty good with the snorkel so we were able to take tons of underwater pictures and just relax and enjoy it. The water was calm and the perfect temperature!

After all that swimming we went to eat. Our tour guide...Hector! Finally remembered his name!...took us to this adorable 'local' place right on the beach. It was set up like a tree house..thatched roof and all. There were tall trees that had 'treehouses' in them..you could climb up to the top of the tree, take a seat, and use a bucket on a pulley system to get your cold beer up and down! This place was amazing and the food was SO good!

The last stop was at this place (I wish I could remember the names of all of these places) that was a mixture of the salt water and fresh water..a combination of the two bodies of water. This combination created an amazing mixture of plants and fish. The water was SO clear..you could stand on land and see straight to the bottom of the water. It felt like swimming in the bathtub; no waves, perfect temperature...so perfect. We spent a lot of time here, exploring and relaxing, before it was finally time to head back to the ship.

After a little mix up at the ATM (pesos vs American dollar..can be pretty confusing!) we made it back to the ship with just minutes to spare. Nothing could have made this day better.

On a funny note..Bill, the older gentleman that was with us, had to use the restroom every time we turned around! So we were constantly looking for a bathroom and waiting on him- while it was somewhat annoying at first, it became very comical very fast! Also, when we were in Cozumel the day before, snorkeling in the ocean, Brandon was looking for artifacts and souvenirs he could take back. He ended up finding this folding comb that he stuck in his backpack, just because he thought it was funny. At the end of the next day in Calica, Bill asked if we had a comb he could use because his wife was taking pictures of him. Brandon explained that he had found this comb, floating in the water, the day before in Cozumel but told Bill he was welcome to use it if he wanted. Bill went on to explain that he had packed a travel comb that folded up, but that he had lost it somewhere in Cozumel the prior day. When Brandon pulled out the comb, Bill just started laughing- it was his comb!! What are the chances that we end up meeting, and spending the whole day with, the man that the comb we found in Cozumel belonged to!?

Because

I'm embarrassed to admit I know how many hours it's been since I last heard from you.
I'm embarrassed to admit how easily and often I still succumb to tears.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I wake up constantly during the night & roll over to see if you're there.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I take a new route to work to avoid passing you.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I avoid driving by your new place in fear that you will see me. 











I'm sad because the flower you planted is starting to bloom and you wont see it.
I'm sad because you planned an amazing birthday trip for me and now I don't know what to do.
I'm sad because the pets look for you in your room.
I'm sad because everything in the house has a story or memory of us; everything reminds me of you.
I'm sad because we just purchased new living and bedroom furniture that you picked out.
I'm sad because the neighbors see the garage door open and close with only my car in it.

 










I'm stressed because there are so many unfinished projects at the house that I'm responsible for now.
I'm stressed because I cant afford to pay the bills without your financial help.
I'm stressed because I get scared living alone.
I'm stressed because I don't know what your plans are for the house, bills and your belongings.
I'm stressed because I'm worried about you.
I'm sad because I'm worried about you.
I'm embarrassed because I'm worry about you.