Bite Marks

I have permanent bite marks on my tongue from all the things I never said. My ears are accustomed to silence and my emotions have learned to stay hidden in the depths. Everything I said was an accusation.. every question an interrogation. I begged for compliments I never received and cried over connections we would never share. I learned to accept things others considered unacceptable. I found comfort in things others found uncomfortable.

I was never denied time or attention... I never had to long for memorable moments together. If anything, there were too many experiences together.. so much so that the thought of sharing moments with another feels detrimental to my well being. At any given time we were known to be 'out'.. traveling, enjoying outside, exploring new paths. You embraced the traditions and oddities of my family without judgment and welcomed me into the minimal existence of yours.

How could so much have been so right so often while so much was so wrong?

I feel we were meant to be but we did it wrong. Sometimes though I have to forget what I feel and remember what I deserve. It doesn't seem conceivable that I will find someone that suits me in all the ways you do. I feel like I've molded you to be what I want, in all the ways I possibly could. The thought of starting over, finding someone that checks my superficial boxes and conforms to my existing mold, seems not worth the investment of effort. I'm sure my view of this will change eventually and perhaps I will be excited to waste my time again, but for now it doesn't make sense.

I want to say I give up and believe it. I want to say I deserve better and mean it. I want to say I'm moving on and do it. But despite all your acts and all the facts, I'm still in love with who I wish you were. The ease with which you walked into my life was the same as the ease with which you walked out. Eventually you will realize I'm worth it or I'll realize you're not. Taking bets.