My Moment

Some days I am angry beyond belief. Other days I am consumed with sadness. This often changes by the minute or the hour as opposed to entire lumps of 24 hour increments. I don't expect anyone to understand. How can I long to be with someone that has told me they don't want to be with me? It doesn't make sense to me either. When I think about the past 12 years and all the memories, it doesn't make sense that we wouldn't be together. Maybe I'm holding on to all the wrong things and grasping false impressions. Maybe it really was all a ruse; a wily subterfuge. It's difficult to look around the house, to see 2,000 square feet of space filled with "us", and believe there was never really an us. You say you wanted me to be your wife - you wanted me in your life. Did things really change or did your tolerance for deception just change? It seems so logical to me - you're not in a happy place mentally. You cant appreciate the good in your life because your brain is clouded. It feels like I should be able to shake you and show you and make you see. I dream of a day that you wake up and realize what you have done with your life. I'm also scared of that day because I'm scared of the day your mind puts the blame on me and your brain tells you I'm the reason you're unhappy. I don't want you to look back over your life and think that I caused you to miss out on the best years of your life. I know I'm not the reason.. but I don't want you believing that I am or telling others.

We have joint bills and a joint house and everything that we own was purchased and chosen jointly. How do we just go separate ways? I don't want to be stuck with a house full of furniture that I don't want or need. I don't want to be stuck buying cat/dog food and paying for vet bills and boarding expenses by myself. I don't want to have restrictions on where I can and can't live because I have cats and dogs; our cats and dogs. I cant afford to maintain a three bedroom house and a yard. What about the holiday decorations and the tools and the camping gear.. what about the 'stuff'? Am I responsible for storing it and selling it since I'm the one on the mortgage? It's still 'our' house.. not my house. It's still 'our' stuff... not my stuff. I don't want to be screwed over just because you stopped loving me... that's enough of a "screw you" to begin with. You are still contributing financially, which I agree is only fair at this point... but for how long? And then what? And then what do I do or where do I go? This is my moment to freak out.. to lose control.. to worry about the things I'm refusing to let myself worry about in my daily life.  

And this is my moment to pull myself back together and realize that I'm not in control of this moment. I'm not in control of my life. My worries are not going to solve anything. This is my moment to breathe and let go and just be. 
~~~~~
Sam Smith - Lay Me Down

And it's hard, the days just seem so dark
The moon, and the stars, are nothing without you
Your touch, your skin, where do I begin?
No words can explain, the way I'm missing you
The night, this emptiness, this hole that I'm inside
These tears, they tell their own story.

You told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling's overwhelming, they're much too strong.
Can I lay by your side, next to you, you
And make sure you're alright.
I'll make sure you're alright
I'll take care of you,
And I dont want to be here if I cant be with you tonight.

I'm reaching out to you
Can you hear my call? (Who's to say you wont hear me?)
This hurt that I've been through
I'm missing you, missing you like crazy