That's Not Ok

I found another small hidden vodka bottle today. Under the sink in the downstairs guest bath. It was hidden in the footbath machine... the one you bought me as a gift years ago. 

Hidden Grey Goose

Add this to the list of bottles I have found around the house and in your trash can, the brown bags I've noticed in your backseat, and the lids/wrappers I've found around the house and your car. Add this to the fact that you took the time and effort to drink from what I thought was the only vodka bottle in the house, and then fill it back up with water, hoping I wouldnt notice. Add this to the fact that you drink daily - not always excessively- including in the morning on the weekends and that you lied to me and willingly said you were not going to drink liquor anymore. You said this - I didnt ask you to. You said you agreed it had gotten out of control and you felt like you didnt make good decisions when you drank liquor. Turns out, you never stopped. Was it because you couldnt? Or did you never intended to.. did you just tell me that to buy time so I would get off your back? If you hide in the bathroom at home and drink, it makes me wonder when else you sneak off.. are you drinking at work, just to take the edge off?

A trash can full of diet pills and alcohol

You planned a binge weekend a few weeks ago. You purchased a 1.75 liter bottle of your favorite vodka with the intention of drinking it all weekend. Not mixing it, not even using a cup.. just straight from the bottle where it sat on the ground next to you on the couch. That's 59.2 oz of alcohol in less than 48 hours. Midway through the weekend you drove to the store to get food. You drove to rent a movie. You drove. You fell asleep in a compromising position. You made choices in your words and actions around me that were extrememly out of character. You barely got off the couch. You justified this by saying "I dont kill people or break things, do I?". You said "Other people plan ahead to drink a lot.. they plan on going downtown and tell themselves ahead of time that they are going to drink more than normal." Yes, but those people leave their social setting, go home, wake up the next day and continue their normal lives. They aren't sitting at home, alone, on the couch, drinking for 48 hours straight. That's not ok.

When I found the first hidden (empty) bottles under the sink, you said you did it because you didnt want to feel judged. You were around me, drinking your regular amount of beer or liquor, but then went to your bathroom and drank more. Obviously you dont feel the need to hide drinking in general - you just feel the need to hide drinking in excess. That should show you that there's a problem. Instead, you get mad at me for finding them and asking you about them. 

When I found that you had replaced the vodka in bottle in the kitchen with water after you drank it, you said you did it because you didn't want me to know you had drank it. You didnt want me to know you had continued to drink after you said you were done with liquor, although you lied and said you drank it long before ever making that comment. I dont understand the logic.. eventually either you would have to throw it out, which you could've just done to begin with, or I'm going to try to use it and realize it's water. How else could that have turned out? The fact that you were just so focused on drinking and covering it up, and not thinking logically about the process, really makes me worry. Of course, when I ask you about this and try to give you the chance to talk to me about what made you feel this was necessary and what you were going through, you got mad. You refused to speak a single word to me outside of text, despite my telling you how important it was to me that we talk about it. I just wanted to hear your side, to understand your thoughts. I said I wouldnt even respond to you - just wanted to hear you speak. You refused. And after a few days, you said you were moving out. Running. Avoiding. 

You make the comment all the time that everyone else loves you - all your friends and coworkers think you are happy and positive and fun. Those people see that side of you, as do I. But those people dont see the hidden side of you that takes place at home at night and on the weekend. They dont see that you go out and drink the 'normal' amount in social settings and then go home and keep drinking. They dont see you trying to go to different liquor stores around town because you are embarrassed that they recognize you. Those people dont try to connect with you on an emotional level or expect you to be able to talk about or be accepting of feelings or emotions. They only see the good side of you - which is a great version of you to know; the version of you I fell in love with 12 years ago. Now I'm terrified of the new you. I'm even more terrified that all those people are eventually going to start to meet that version of you too.