DING!

The snap of the rubber band stings my wrist but serves as a reminder. I cant let my thoughts wrap themselves around you. I'm surrounded by you daily - our house, our things, our pets - but I cant allow my brain to remember what was. You made a fool of me and the pain from that will last much longer than the welts I'm creating.

Just when I finally make your name move out of sight, move down to the bottom of my inbox, "DING!".. there you are. Slowly seeping back in to my consciousness. I want you in my life, as the one I love, but I cant have that. I dont know if I can handle having you in my life in any other form because while the titles may have changed overnight, the feelings I have didn't. Sure- it's comforting to know that if I'm drowning you will save me (so long as it's convienient for the 'good guy' image you are trying to portray) but for so long you were the one that sunk me. Maybe it's not good for me to use that life vest anymore... I need to learn to be a better swimmer. 

So while your attempt at still being my friend/brother/former roomate or whatver you want to tell yourself it was is enough to still make me smile, it's also enough to make me hate myself for shaping my mouth in such way. I'm not ready to not hate you yet. I'm not sure I ever will be. I dont want a friend in life that expects the worst of me at every turn. Perhaps I dont want someone in my life that knows me in all the ways you know me because it prevents me from being someone else. Maybe I'm tired of having guilt sprinkled over me like the ashes of the love we had. 

Thank you for texting me yesterday. It was just what I needed and didn't need.