"Dont think for a second this isnt hurting me too."
I have trouble with this statement. I understand you are doing what you think is best for you, and I know at some point in life we all need to be a little selfish, but do you really believe this is what's best? You are waking up in a nice clean house, with no pets and no responsibility other than caring for yourself. You get to go to work and go 'home' to do whatever you want - what a life!
Meanwhile.. I'm pulling into the garage of our home and parking the car next to our bikes and being greeted by our attention starved dogs. I walk past the shrubs we planted six years ago and notice how large they've grown over the years. I see the Christmas lights still in bushes on the front porch.. the lights that you surprised me and used to decorate with one day when I wasn't home. You were so proud of yourself and we loved standing at the end of the driveway admiring the twinkling. Once I'm inside, I walk across the floor that we put our blood, sweat and tears into during the installation. I see the spot where a wall once was... a wall we decided to tear down to brighten up our home and allow for an open concept like you loved. It seems like just yesterday we were meeting with contractors and eating dinner in the bedroom upstairs because of the mess of the construction zone. Sometimes I stand there and just remember how different the room used to look before we chose to do that. Once I make it past that point, I have to step over the hardwood floors in the entry that you decided to start tearing up but never finished. I'm reminded of all the times we went to Lowes and looked at future flooring options, unable to decide what would work best for our home. As I start up the stairs, I instantly hear laughter as I see the tennis ball stains on the wall above the closet door at the top of the landing. You used to stand at the bottom of the steps and bounce the ball off the wall at the top of the steps. The dogs tripped over each other and clamored up and down the steps, trying to catch the ball before it made it's way back to you. This was our "rainy day" activity that both allowed the dogs to release some energy and gave us some of the greatest belly laughs. That little area of that little wall is enough to bring me to tears each time. From the new furniture we just bought two months ago, to the layout that replicates the hotel room you fell in love with in Atlanta, the bedroom is an entire swarm of memories all alone. We spent an entire day, driving around town, searching for a headboard that suited what you had in your mind. We built bookcases, picked out accessories, and spent hours trying to fit furniture in and out of the bedroom door. You took the door off the hinges to help the process.. the door is still leaning against the wall, unhung. We stacked all of the extra furniture in the office which meant hours worth of attempts to fitting things in and out of that door as well. The efforts are obvious by the scratches and dings and dents on the walls and doors... battle scars that tell the story. The upstairs front porch now sits empty. You often carried our mattress and bedding out to the porch and went through the trouble to plug up lamps and phone chargers and fans, all so that we could sleep outside and listen to the rain or enjoy the cool weather. I thought this was a terrible idea the first time you surprised me with it, but it later became one of my favorite things. The backyard was such a major project of ours and we felt such a sense of pride. When we moved in there were no trees, no grass, no fence and no patio area. Now the trees are mature, the sod that we planted years ago has covered the whole yard in a sea of grass and the fence became your favorite spot to hang potted plants. Oh, those plants. You used to get so excited when the weather got nice because that meant you could buy plants. You would learn the 'personality' of each pot.. "This little guy likes to be in the shade in the morning!" you would say, and you would rotate the hanging pots to different parts of the yard. Every morning I would see you standing in the wet grass, with the water hose stretched across the yard, as you gave each plant a deep soaking. Then you would let Tonka chase the water stream around in circles... his favorite thing! The tiny azalea that we planted in the corner has blossomed into a big bush full of pink flowers. Sitting by it is the bench that we picked out and that I later broke as we tried to look over the fence to see our neighbor's giant pet tortoise. I remember you laughing like crazy as it buckled under my weight and told me that's what I got for being nosey. The fence we had installed is now leaning and warped but every board reminds me of times you accidentally threw the ball over it and built contraptions to help you reach it. Every year we throw our Christmas tree over that fence and one time when we set up our tent and camped in the back yard, we hung all our lights on that fence. We laid the patio, one paver block at a time, and purchased furniture and decorative items to make it the outdoor oasis we wanted it to be. For years I longed for a metal star.. something I could hang and admire. You found one during a trip to Real Deals a few years ago and found a perfect spot for it on the back patio. That star still hangs there, mocking me.
Meanwhile.. I'm pulling into the garage of our home and parking the car next to our bikes and being greeted by our attention starved dogs. I walk past the shrubs we planted six years ago and notice how large they've grown over the years. I see the Christmas lights still in bushes on the front porch.. the lights that you surprised me and used to decorate with one day when I wasn't home. You were so proud of yourself and we loved standing at the end of the driveway admiring the twinkling. Once I'm inside, I walk across the floor that we put our blood, sweat and tears into during the installation. I see the spot where a wall once was... a wall we decided to tear down to brighten up our home and allow for an open concept like you loved. It seems like just yesterday we were meeting with contractors and eating dinner in the bedroom upstairs because of the mess of the construction zone. Sometimes I stand there and just remember how different the room used to look before we chose to do that. Once I make it past that point, I have to step over the hardwood floors in the entry that you decided to start tearing up but never finished. I'm reminded of all the times we went to Lowes and looked at future flooring options, unable to decide what would work best for our home. As I start up the stairs, I instantly hear laughter as I see the tennis ball stains on the wall above the closet door at the top of the landing. You used to stand at the bottom of the steps and bounce the ball off the wall at the top of the steps. The dogs tripped over each other and clamored up and down the steps, trying to catch the ball before it made it's way back to you. This was our "rainy day" activity that both allowed the dogs to release some energy and gave us some of the greatest belly laughs. That little area of that little wall is enough to bring me to tears each time. From the new furniture we just bought two months ago, to the layout that replicates the hotel room you fell in love with in Atlanta, the bedroom is an entire swarm of memories all alone. We spent an entire day, driving around town, searching for a headboard that suited what you had in your mind. We built bookcases, picked out accessories, and spent hours trying to fit furniture in and out of the bedroom door. You took the door off the hinges to help the process.. the door is still leaning against the wall, unhung. We stacked all of the extra furniture in the office which meant hours worth of attempts to fitting things in and out of that door as well. The efforts are obvious by the scratches and dings and dents on the walls and doors... battle scars that tell the story. The upstairs front porch now sits empty. You often carried our mattress and bedding out to the porch and went through the trouble to plug up lamps and phone chargers and fans, all so that we could sleep outside and listen to the rain or enjoy the cool weather. I thought this was a terrible idea the first time you surprised me with it, but it later became one of my favorite things. The backyard was such a major project of ours and we felt such a sense of pride. When we moved in there were no trees, no grass, no fence and no patio area. Now the trees are mature, the sod that we planted years ago has covered the whole yard in a sea of grass and the fence became your favorite spot to hang potted plants. Oh, those plants. You used to get so excited when the weather got nice because that meant you could buy plants. You would learn the 'personality' of each pot.. "This little guy likes to be in the shade in the morning!" you would say, and you would rotate the hanging pots to different parts of the yard. Every morning I would see you standing in the wet grass, with the water hose stretched across the yard, as you gave each plant a deep soaking. Then you would let Tonka chase the water stream around in circles... his favorite thing! The tiny azalea that we planted in the corner has blossomed into a big bush full of pink flowers. Sitting by it is the bench that we picked out and that I later broke as we tried to look over the fence to see our neighbor's giant pet tortoise. I remember you laughing like crazy as it buckled under my weight and told me that's what I got for being nosey. The fence we had installed is now leaning and warped but every board reminds me of times you accidentally threw the ball over it and built contraptions to help you reach it. Every year we throw our Christmas tree over that fence and one time when we set up our tent and camped in the back yard, we hung all our lights on that fence. We laid the patio, one paver block at a time, and purchased furniture and decorative items to make it the outdoor oasis we wanted it to be. For years I longed for a metal star.. something I could hang and admire. You found one during a trip to Real Deals a few years ago and found a perfect spot for it on the back patio. That star still hangs there, mocking me.
"Dont think for a second this isnt hurting me too."
Really? Because you made this choice. You are removed from the situation.. you get to think about and deal with whatever you want. You get to ignore what you don't want to think about or deal with. I'm surrounded and I'm bombarded with it. It's slowly eating away at me. I should be strong enough to look past it all and I should be wise enough to know it's better this way. But I'm not.
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