Brutal Honesty

I wish all people could just say what they feel all the time like "Hey, I really don't like when you do that to me" or "Hey, I'm not in love with you anymore" or "Hi, I really miss you and think about you all the time" or "Guess what? You look fat in that shirt". Why cant everyone just be painfully honest and save everyone the trouble of tiptoeing around each others feelings. No more wondering or worrying what someone else was thinking. No more trying to learn how to bite your tongue and not say whats not appropriate. Sure, people will get their feelings hurt... but others will hear that they are loved when they didn't know it.

I would've respected you so much more had to come to me, long before things escalated, and just said what you are feeling. Saying "I feel like I couldn't be myself around you" after shit has hit the fan doesn't help. Not having examples of when and why you've felt like that doesn't help either. If, in the moment, you stopped the cycle - hit the pause button - and said "Babe - Look.. I feel like you aren't letting me live my life the way I want to because _____" then I would've been informed. By being informed, I can form an education opinion about whether I feel I am doing something wrong and need to compromise.. or whether you are asking something of me that I am not comfortable conceding with in the relationship.

"I feel like I cant be myself around you" translates to "I don't want anyone telling me that anything I'm thinking or doing is wrong.. or suggesting that I should be saying or feeling something other than what I am." This is chicken shit slang for "I'm too scared to speak up, because it would require me to vocalize my feelings.. feelings I don't want to admit I'm having." You should be YOU no matter what company you are in. Take it or leave it, this is me. You chose not to do that.. don't blame that on me. You have a say in the relationship - you just have to make the decision to utilize it and speak up. Be completely honest and say what you want and need from your partner. Relationships require compromise and growth. If you are just along for the ride, you are never going to be happy long term.

I feel like I changed so much about myself to become a better person and to make us a better couple. Every issue you had with me/us, I worked on. And for what?!.. to not be good enough. I loved and cared for you with every ounce of my being, even when you couldn't see that. I talked to you about my fears and my expectations and my joys. I shared with you exactly what I needed from you. And because you couldn't do the same, I'm alone (again) and without the one I love. I don't get to hug you after work or ask how your day was. I don't get the comfort of knowing I am safe and protected. No "Good Night" - I love the sound of you breathing next to me while I sleep. You took that all away from me. You ran. I guess you want perfection... a relationship that doesn't require growth or effort. The best relationships are made of two imperfect people that refuse to give up on each other. I should've given up on you long ago but I didn't. Because I love you. Because I want to see you as the best version of yourself.

I made sacrifices to show my love for you. I spent Christmas alone so that you could go be with your family, I stayed in on New Years because you weren't feeling well, I ate McDonald's for Valentines Day because it was late and we were tired. Would I have rather had a fancy dinner or gone out dancing and celebrating while watching the ball drop? Yes. But the most important thing to me was spending time with you and seeing you happy. I feel like I've evolved into a "catch". Sure, I still have room to improve but compared to the person and the partner I was two years ago, I'm amazing. I like when you spend time with your friends, I don't ask for lavish gifts or have expensive habits. But most of all, I've always tried to make you feel good about yourself and feel good about being yourself. The fact that you don't see that kills me.